Cucumbers and Vinegar

I eat my cucumbers with vinegar 
And when I told them they said it was pain.
I seem to remember as if in a dream
Something along those lines —
A bitter sweet moment, though my recollection grows thinner, 
The love and loss of a child eating cucumbers and vinegar. 

I ate it because you made it,
And I ate it because I knew—
There was nothing else to eat in the house,
But a virgin pickle with savory goo.
I ate it because I tasted your care,
I watched as you washed them,
Sliced them, delicately prepared,
Arranged the pieces into a spiral on the plate,
Gently spread the sauce on each green puck,
And fit for a king, I gratefully ate.
I can remember only a time or two 
You had it in your head to love me,
Like the old fashioned mothers do,
And I swear, I never smiled any broader,
Than when I ate your cucumbers And vinegar. 

I was reaching for some sort of proof 
Of affection,
And I wanted you to be like mom's on TV,
Baking cakes with a plaid apron,
But for me, salty cucumbers would suffice,
And I convince myself it was the best you could do, the way God rolled the dice.
But I wanted to tell my friends
how you cooked  the meat so tender,
I wanted to invite them to a meal,
But all we had was cucumbers and vinegar.
And tap water always tastes stale. 

I wanted to make an excuse for it,
Why you had a pocket full of men,
But a wallet full of holes,
Why you didn't have a job, and why it 
Didn't count to be a hoe.
Why I found the pills under my pillow,
And why my dog had scabes,
Why we both itched when he had flees,
And why when he died I sat and cried alone?
I wanted to tell myself it had something to do with pain,
And that's why you spent  every night away,
And why I fought to keep the hate at bay,
But there came a day when I even considered 
Throwing out the cucumbers and vinegar,
Because it began to taste like bile.

And yet, here I am fully grown,
Buying the steak, and cream and scone,
But every night, after I serve my children 
Their white collar dinner,
I sit in the kitchen and eat my plate
Of cucumbers with vinegar,
It has to do with pain I know—
And thanks to you
I can't let go,
Haha, the only strings 
Attached to a breadwinner?
Who'd have guessed
Cucumbers and vinegar.