Dawn at Monterey

Eve at Monterey!

nineteen and seventy-three!

i was, am, only a child.

You were my beginning,

You were my first.  Love.

And from that moment on,

You were the center of me.

Things didn’t go well, then.

through no fault of your own,

i let her doubt feed my doubt,

i don't blame her.

how could she have known?

Her, 'protecting' you?

turned everything black, suddenly;

instant artificial light, sigh.

the longest instant in my life!

So, i followed the sound of church bells,

looked for relief at the ancient mission.

but the people there spoke a strange language.

Then, i turned to you,

but your trust had already,

been broken.  Through lies.  Tears. 

saddest day of my life.

Left you early the next morning,

sunny, mildly breezy.

unusually clear for that, any, time of year.

but inside my head, the densest fog.

i left, as if i were leaving for my job,

a work that had to been done.

Why didn’t you slip me your address, dear Dawn?

you know how huge stressors can make us forget!

your address, location on earth,

to hold by my heart forever? 

Maybe then,

i would not have spent,

forever trying to remember?

and once i did,

you were gone.

New York, i was told.

You, well, you i could never forget.

After all, before all,

We walked in the garden of Eden,

for just a couple of days,

no, the bite of an apple

didn’t get me expelled,

It was doubt.  It was fear. 

It was all of the things wrong,

with society. Yep.  That was it.  Plain,

and so very, very complex.

as lies so often are.

Why didn’t i simply explain? 

You got me???  Yes, you do.

Forever.

Ironic, if that first half-a-night freezing,

on that desolate on-ramp in Berkely. 

(Berkley!  Go, figure!),

wasn’t enough, to turn me around,

That second half-a-night fighting,

for my fragile honor, and life,

certainly should have been!.

Turn around I didn’t, though;

by then I just had to know

(silly me, always).

Were those tormenting rumors true?

Surely not! (I argued).  I can fix it!

(I flippantly swore).

Then that infernal on ramp

in the Sierras,

a ride, a fatal accident!  

Crash! Crunch! SILENCE!!!!

No, I didn’t die,

but sadly, I still didn’t learn.  

anything!

Wrong name? Maggie Maye? Really?

wrong address? wrong babysitter?

wrong city, state, universe?

All was wrong!  it never was.

to begin with!

And, more confessions.

all false. sigh. again.

“Maybe if i return,

to my second birthplace,” i thought.

“Maybe if i start over from scratch!”

i should have known! that name was thrown,

From Eagle Pass to Rock Springs,

maybe even Cheyenne, Denver, New York City!

for at least a year or two, already.

Maggie Mae never was!

except in a rock song.  Rod Stuart.  

flip side, of Reason to Believe!

Had i only known,

that last eternal moment,

back in Monterey,

on your doorstep,

i was guiltless!  blameless.  

not innocent of doubt, though.

the king of all sins.  Sigh, sigh, sigh again.

Had i only known that last kiss,

was “hello”

and not “goodbye”!

i will see you again, though,

no doubt in me this time!

i do see you.  Right now.  Out there somewhere.

so, so, SO very beautiful still!!!!

I love you still.  I always will.  That is a promise!