the day you went away.
As i sat on couch in the corner of your room,
Where days before you spoke your last words,
I held your hand,
and promised you my love would protect your grandchildren,
There is nothing this mother wouldn't do within love,
You told me, you already knew ,
You had complete faith in
everything i do,
As i sat there
Were we said our goodbye's,
My insides were frozen,
No tears in my eyes,
The thoughts of you were blocked,
Missing,
I was there for a reason, upon request, to sit and make sure your items were in trusting hands,
Your hospice bed was being collected,
In those frozen moments my very soul felt rejected,
Down stairs familiar voices in discussion,
Funeral plans being placed,
I sat their i silence not knowing my very place,
For you were gone from my life,
And with you, you took my place,
I had no idea you loved me so much that you created my space,
It was like i was forgotten,
I had no meaning anymore,
You built the walls around me, excepted me into your family,
I felt loved,
My heart in pieces across your bedroom floor,
My life now no meaning anymore,
You protected me,
Supported my every move,
Our friendship as mother and daughter in law, had nothing ever to prove,
I was so angry that you died,
I was denied my tears to cry,
Your son he was so cruel,
When you went away,
Your memories weren't to be disgust, or he would get so angry,
And run away to bleed,
We weren't to talk about you,
So of course the pain just grew,
We would shut our mouths,
The moment he walked in,
Again in silence suffering,
I pick up the phone one day forgetting you were gone,
I wanted some vegemite,
all ours had gone,
In that moment i cried,
I wished so much that you would be there, I'd tried to rebuild your son, shelter him with loving care, he built big walls around himself , and always was running away, my family tried to heal his huts , at night we all would pray, in time he grew more distant, nothing i could say, its like he died when you did and his soul had gone away, i tried so had to get him back, but he was lost inside, he started treating us bad, couldn't see what he was doing, he placed the blame on me, when i could see he needed help, your son refused to acknowledge his illness, and slowly took me down, piece by piece, upon a breakdown , it was then i gave him one last chance to correct the things hes done, find love within his heart and get help, whilst i looked after everyone, he chose the path of ignorance, unfortunately his heart was gone, i think back to the beginning I know now what went wrong, you told your son to love me, and pregnant baring i was, you told him to do the right thing, you invited me to stay, but he didn't have to love me from the day you went away.
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Comments
Piercing to heart...agreeable voice,..."Our friendship as mother and daughter in law, had nothing ever to prove,..I was there for a reason, upon request, to sit and make sure your items were in trusting hands,.."
.." I wished so much that you would be there,.." words clarifying the facts,...cute..with regards..xx Ravindra Kumar xx
Thank you sweetheart ravindra xx much love nardine xx
Such a beautiful poem! So deep and moving! Beautiful piece of writing Nardine! xoxo
Thank you Andrew caddell, <3 xx
Wow, That was intense, so much inside feelings. If that was true, you have my sympathies.
VERY NICE WRITE!
Thank you Chris , love to you xoxo
Dear sweetie,never blame self ,be bold and cheerful.This is an exquisite write,very powerful.I enjoyed reading it.
Love
Piusha sweetheart hugest love to you, i don't blame myself, nor underestimate the healing touch of my own hand, i am happy, most days cheerful, but the memories haunt, often hunting me down, i write in hopes to release them all, and find internal piece of mind, im honoured that such a graceful adoring lady as yourself is a close friend to heart, i love your writing as it is exceptional like your soul, much love nardine xoxo
Nardine Sanderson
Exceptionally good write, My applause, My vote
WILLIAMSJI
Thank you sir williamsji much love nardine xoxo
First off I am truly sorry for all you had to absorb and it appears all alone.(5) point and (5) stars  vote and my all-time favorite poem so far and just may be for quite some time, it is so good, I had to read it over and over, comparing the similarities… Real close to home was this one. .As I sit here and write this my skin refuses to stop crawling and emotions I once laid to rest, again knocks, independently and in rapid cadence, on the walls of my chest and I sat and realize, as I ponder the intense emotions, the heart, the soul and so much love that was gave and lost, that which was lost, in this “heart torn poem” was enough to set anyone over the edge and you, was forced to deal with it, (all) was so sad and amazing. Will power, faith and for all you honestly believed in, deep inside,(your inner instincts), so strong are you, so strong…I am speech less young lady, simply speechless…You truly were, living the life, for them all and was on the verge of losing the best friend, you, without doubt, ever had in life, (yourself). Somewhere along the way but continued to hang on, for all whom were involved in her little round circle, living a modification of their lives and even a rendition of yours, because mine, at the moment, had gone…this was no longer their life, nor was it mine, just an existence and now life, felt to you, to be extremely limited the safest, not only for you, but for your little one as well.. You be the “innocence,” that dies a thousand deaths, just to be able, to render, your true from the heart, loving assistance, not to mention your loyalty and to, (all), for whom you greet in life. l bet when it’s time for you to rest your weary head in the lap of God, for his calling, you might be late for that calling, because  your passionate heart, will not let you rest, when knowing you will make a difference. Impacts, when few others could, even want, to be of assistance. Punctuality and getting things done with no loose ends left untied and if it’s not broke, you rather avoid it and not allow it, the opportunity, to become broke…You told your story in this “very much” real poem so well, it placed me, into a vicarious situation, of reliving my experience through yours and you dear lady, did not let me down, in fact my heart aches ever so more for you. For you are strong beyond belief, for this same story you told, through your personal experiences, truly conjured, heart wrenching, tears of the heart, inside I ever so sympathize, for you and at the same time, must bow too you, through and for respect, because truly, I to, exercise the same demons but you I am sorry to hear, of all the other stress and heart-ache, the mate carried  you through, in conjunction to any other, stressful  incidents and you as well, have now told mine, through yours. June 1, 2013,  I retrieved  mom from a nursing home, where she was left to stay by family members, rather than allow her to be within her own home and basically forgotten about her, so I took it upon myself to secure my home, still making payments and went to retrieve her, from the nursing home she was placed in and brought her back home to her own and it was as though she was elated, knowing she would be coming home after (3) months, it was almost as if, she was told by her many doctors, that they found a cure for end stage kidney diseases, along with her other major illnesses. I never seen my mom so happy, in my life and I knew she had not longer to live but I couldn’t see my mom live, (let alone die, all alone), in a nursing home and I (just as you), did all I could for her, to sustain a suitable way of life, where each day she had left, she lived them, as though each was her last and she lived, ow how, she did live.. My days and nights became hers it seem, but I did not care, for she cared for me, through my years and now the shoe, would be placed on my foot and I hope to God, when I see her once again, she will ratify my beliefs, (that I gave her my life and more, for the comfort and peace of mind she so much needed. There is no home, in the world an elderly person wants to or rather be in, besides their own. I felt less than a human, when they,(brothers/ sisters) had told me, that she was placed in a nursing home, that was mom and they should have consulted (all) her off springs, rather than a few and that few decided to basically discard her as they did and there was nothing, I wouldn’t do for her. So I got all of her papers in order and all the equipment I would need, to sustain her life due to her many illness, such as in home therapy, visiting nurses, the many doctors’ appointments and the un foreseen emergency trips made through the wee- hours of the night. Many, what use to be nights, fading into another day, I find myself sitting in the emergency warm, but would not have given up on not one minute of what had to be done for her and knew she would best be taken care of, by her own  family  the hospital bed, wheel chairs, walkers, walking canes and a slew of  medications, you name it…She was a  diabetic as well and blood/sugar had to be checked at less three times a day, and at least once a day, required insulin, in which we gave her shots and she was on the kidney dialysis machine (3) days out of the week,(Mon.,wed.,fir.), Nardine, I, then come to realize, that the biggest heart, in all of this, wasn’t mine nor was it my loving mothers, it was my wife’s, for sticking with me through, thick and thin, the good times with my mother, as well as the bad, which was when she started to get closer and closer to her final days  to place her will and .. out to entire ordeal, she as well placed her entire life a side for my mom and to me, she really was the guardian angel, that gave my mom back the will to wonna live as long as she possible could. We were on call 24/7 and up at (any) time of the night, for all of her needs. A heart, breaks a thousand times over, in matters such as this and all others, a piece of you slips away with them, when they pass on and time doesn’t heal all wounds, you’ve acquired new means of placing it, (hurt) (protectively) aside, in a place, where the heart, within itself, takes solace in, to “cry” and locking the hurt deep inside, helps but the wound will forever remain... You truly did all you possibly could do, just as Cherie states you were her life, you gave her back , the little life she felt she had left and the right to make her own decisions, until she could not anymore and that’s when you, (just as) I, stepped deep into the matter, knowing now, that I had matters to address as it applied to her financial matters and many more, being her beneficiary yet unlike you as well as I, many people feel defeated and rather than walk away, and allow another family member assist, they throw in the towel,  give up and place them, in a nursing home.. Being who she wanted to be and do what she could still, I’m sure meant the world to her, just as my mom and to me as well, did it feel genuinely happy to see her life until she could no longer, something I saw that the rest of the family were not privileged to, due to their wanting her to live, the remainder of her life in a nursing home and she did not want and was in the right frame of mind, to decide to. So for the last (7) months of her life, they did not come to see her and she more than any died from a broken heart, being the first cause listed on the death certificate along with heart attack, kidney decease and her diabetes. Nardine I knew the broken heart would be part of the cause because I had to go through the last (7) months of her life, just as she did and they never showed up, not once……Leona A. Smith passed on the 5th of January 2014 and as stated, she did live in the end, in the manner which she wanted to rather than, how they wanted her to but also did I realize when she passed on, I had buried part of me as well, and for some weeks past had it hard being myself but my wife and friends brought things back to perspective by doing as you so-so hard trying to do for and it really tore up my wife, her daughter-in-law. ….So feel content that you were there and no one could have understood, are  done anything, any  better,  just as she you  are only responsible for you. You reached out and gave her an ear when she could not hear you gave her voice when others heard not what she had to say and you saw the true and real beauty in all things around her that would soon have faded away, denying and preventing her to sight... More than any, you talked of things with her, that no other, will ever be privilege to know….She loved you as much as you her. Take Care Dear Lady always in your corner……
Forever,
Jim  Â
P.S. I am so, so sorry for the length, started writing on this one and could not stop..Sure i'll be writing in my sleep on this one,,,,Got a big prayer for Nardine Sanderson and family....
Dearest Jimmy, i have tears in my eyes and an overwhelming sorrow in my heart right now, i feel the pain you have been through, and still hold inside, my mother in law was an absolute angel, always happy, you couldn't help but love everything about her, her blue eyes so kind, and a love so gentle, i said my goodbyes the day her husband and children were moving her to hospice care in a facility to see her last days, upon their decision, i had no say, or choice in that matter, my heart no longer felt whole, i remember her wish to end her days in the light from her window, viewing over the sea, i couldn't grant that wish, and it pains me to this day, i remember the pain in my heart, the tears still stain my skin, as they carried her down the stairs, into the ambulance, the slide click as they closed the door, the reverse beeping as the drove out of the driveway, i was totally out of depths within reality, it was only hours after she wouldn't talk to anyone, refused to cooperate, she had given up, i went to see her , but she wasn't there anymore, she lay there frozen in her own mind, awaiting endless sleep, fragile so weak, i held her hand, kissed her forehead, whispered I'm sorry in her ear, she passed away that night holding her husbands hand, he felt her last breath released, they all made promises that they didn't keep, my promise to protect my children, i shall keep, her cancer took her away piece by piece, i remember being 8 months pregnant with my oldest daughter when she was told it was renal cancer, they took away a complete kidney, and left a quarter of the other, along with an ovary, a section of breast , by the end after a nine year fight watching her go through so many bout of pills therapy, radiation, turning yellow, loosing weight in drastic measures from a healthy 14, to a very fragile size 6 on so many pain mediation the cancer had landed itself in the nasal cavity coting the brain, an inoperable, nothing could be done, we all sat with her that day while they told her they couldn't operate, it was like watching her die right there in that moment, that is when we took her home, to rest till her time was up, her daughter was sleeping in the bed nursing her daily, one night my mother in law took a fall in the night, she had needed the toilet, didn't want to wake her daughter or be a burden as she told me, looking after her was never a chance i had been given, everything was in their hands, not mine, they decided she was to much to handle, and sent her back to grace hospice care, i look back and wish like crazy with all my heart that things were different, but they never will be, i miss her vocal entry to the house, HEY THERE, she would say, id give anything to hear her again, she used to joke about being sick, she would laugh and call herself the hamburger with the lot, they can keep taking pieces, bit by bit but I'm not going anywhere, she loved me as i loved her, in her final days she watched as her son and i were married, and received news i was to have her third grandchild, the worst part about sitting with her so weak and loosing hope, wanting to be out of everybody's way, was the longing for her to stay, my son never knew her, but I'm sure she is his guardian angel he was born at 25weeks and 1day, hes a fighter, he wasn't due till June , but born in march his nans birth month, both Pieces symbolic fish , he has her blue eye's, I'm sure they have meet before, in times i will not know of,
sorry for my long reply, i am very grateful to have met you Jimmy you have an amazing soul, i am happy for you having been so strong and held your mums hand till her last day, that memory, those moments, months you have them forever, be proud of the loving man you are, the strength your soul possess, you are indeed a unique an adoring heart, much love to you sweetheart, nardine Sanderson xoxo
Nardine, you are a wonderful Person, Mother, lady and Dear Friend and thank you once again, for the opportunity to have be-friended such a warm hearted person, whose heart, is valiantly displayed,(always) in all she does and say, to all she acquaints. "YOU ARE A PERSON OF SPECIALTY," you really allowed me to see me, through the actions and eyes, spoken by you, of your husband and to clearly realize, through your heart filled poem, where I had left my part of me and how to retrieve it, in essence of bringing it home, which is now more of a reality, rather than a wish......I truly hope all will work itself out for you, (if it hasn’t already) and if it has, grand and I’ll always be your biggest advocate for nothing but all things good, dawn your doorstep, for the rest of your awakened life……..
Stay Safe and Remain Forever Strong,
Jim Arm  Â
Dearest Jimmy thank you for your gentle loving words in support, i shall keep fighting off sadness until there is nothing but the beautiful love left inside, i have faith all shall be bright in the future ahead, as strong as i am now, shall in time only ever grow stronger, much love to you sweetheart, nardine Sanderson xoxo, p.s you take care you really are a wonderful man , honoured to be your friend xoxo
Dear Sir Jim Arnold Sir,
A Heart-felt story, The sorrows, the agonies-all what you had experience in your life reflected in this story, Nardline is exceptionally talented and she writes from her painful heart, My prayers to Sir Jim Arnold Sir's Mom, who was an example and symbol of a great Mom, Thanks for giving me her memories,
Love & Prayers dear Sir Jim Arnold Sir,
Lovingly your Brother
WILLIAMSJI MAVELI
Dear Nardine,
Tearful stories, your poem " the day you went away." has reveled stories of deep sorrows, the essence of this poem is great, I love it.
Regards & Love
WILLIAMSJI MAVELI
Brother WilIiamji, I think you struck Gold with your implemented idea and what Nardine saw emanating from her husbands, disposition, lurked in my shadows as well and I too, needed to and was fortunate enough, to have,(figuratively speaking), shook the monkey from my back....
Warm fully submitted,
Jim
(Thank you gratefully Sir WilIiamji and you knew how she felt of you.) She called you her son more then she me her son (smile) and really enjoyed your poetry.At one point she was reading them more than i and the reason i was non-void many days, she had it loading up on your poems,(but it was all good and good to see) ..I REALLY CANT BELIEVE YOU READ ALL THAT, YOU ARE A BETTER MAN THAN I....I read her story and for some reason could not shut the hand down, it became an "Entity" on its own and didn't drop the pen until it was ready to.....You were one of the few there when my moms and mine, life changing interruption and listened when I needed a ear and ad vice when there were none to be found, for the conglomeration of the family and I, still carry no conversation for each other and do we visit each other, I truly wouldn't want my mom to place me away, as though I served no purpose in life anymore, because I am bed ridden and are just plain incapable of self-care for myself...But I had one heroin in the bunch,(my older sister), the respect I have for her "holistic" and she hung in there with me until Leona,(Mom) passed away, any time we needed her for assistance, she was there sun, rain, sleet, hail are snow, she truly was there....I knew she would be because of the heart she carries. Her daughter was born with cerebral palsy and she was told her child’s live span, would not allow her to live past (7) and that she would be best placed in a home. Barbara discarded their request and rose her daughter as a single with one other child and did everything she could for this child and more than any, she loved her and this child lived to the ripeful age of (36) years of age and passed away several year back in her sleep due to a seizure, here I go again jabbering...You are a hero to me WilIiamji and a friend beyond any measure all from this home, to yours, send our love....
Take Care my friend,
Jim Â
Dearest jimmy your sister Barbra and her daughter the strength and love can never be broken, even under the weight of such negative minds, strong souls, play strong rolls, truly blessed by heart, much love to you, Nardine Sanderson xoxo
Dear Sir Jim Arnold Jim Sir,
Thanks. I am seeing through a mirror of love, your MOM as a MOM for all, there is no color, no caste, no creed, or nationality for MOMS, they are all flying angles in and around of hearts of hearts, Their souls are our new inspirations, no doubt.
Thanks for your appreciations and love as a Brother, I love you Sir, Sir Jim Arnold Sir, you are the only one, who made me a member at COSMO second time, I can never forget it, I enjoy writing about all poems of all my friends, brothers and sisters, I want them as good poets and poetess, This site is my second home, My love and regards to you dear Sir Jim Arnold Sir,
WILLIAMSJI MAVELI