Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Why would you choose to bring me into your world of hatred?
If you didn't have every intention of loving me?
Of giving your little girl everything that would make her healthy and whole
We bonded in trauma and humiliation
You made sure that we were both mistreated
So we could be reflections of each other
So you could become my closest and most tragic friend

I see so much of your spirit in myself, and I know others do too
I wanted only to be imprinted by your gifts
And to make everyone proud of us both
But I have a side that scares me—
And it keeps reminding me—always
It's like you're still here—you and your childlike joy
Your passion, your humour
And your repressed rage—seared into my skin

And now—I'm almost as old as you were when you had to leave
And I understand
That you're the one who most needs the kindness and tending you had not been given—not enough
Instead you were exploited and harmed
And I hope that one day I can shower you with a deluge of that loving care
Despite every horror, I still have so much of that in me

I know, Dad
You gave everything from a heart full of holes that bleeds righteous indignation
But you gave the best you could—with what little you had

I know you tried—
And I love you all the more for that

Love,
Your little girl