Dear Mother

I know if we met under different circumstances I’d have struck you as the “untaught” kid with no morals and respect for his parents-
I’m sure if I had a different parents and they left me to you, I would be just another life encounter and an impossible burden-
It has come to my attention that you do not understand me at all or better yet, you don’t know me or my intentions-
So I’m writing this letter to try and introduce and explain myself to you, please read it with the same understanding that I wrote it-
-Dear mother, have you ever stopped to look back and realize the distance between you and I?
Have you noticed that my rebellious behavior has always been a struggle for closure? Because I’ve always been trying-
I’m a bad kid, an ungrateful one, over ambitious to even look down on you, the same person that pays for my education-
You believed those words, not mine or yours but from my big brother, “the golden son” the ever shinning symbol and existing proof of perfection.-
-Dear mother, have you ever noticed the war between me and my brother or were you just always concerned about the side you chose “my brother’s” as it always have been, as it still is and by the look of things, always will?
Do you still remember how our relationship has always been?
Mother you have seen some of the incidents or according to you, what only counts are the wrongs I did?
Do I need to remind you why I despise and disrespect my big brother?
Do you remember when he hit me on the head with a step ladder on my head? The blood was all over my face but you know what would make you not to recall that? You were going to town that day and when I tried to report to you showing the blood, you hardly looked at me for 3 seconds and then turned straight to the gate and walked away.
When I told you that he hits me every time you weren’t home, you just told me to hide in the grocery cupboard until you came back…now that, mother has pushed me astray
I have souvenirs of broken broom sticks which he used to hit me with-
Do you still remember when he hit me until my left arm was swollen? You wouldn’t forget because that Sunday, you’re the one who told me not to go to the doctor, because I’d tell the truth at the clinic and my brother would go to jail, doctor’s letter. You told me to just take pain killers, I’m telling you if it was now I’d have gone to that doctor because now I’m not afraid
-Dear mother, I never exposed being beaten by my brother on a daily basis and I never opposed it but the way he would leave me bruised every time he did it, the torn muscles, swollen arm, finger prints on my face, whip lashes on my back, temporary deafness on my ear from slaps and a twisted ankle-
Those things never happened once, not twice, but for a countless number of times he hit me because whatever he would use would break on me-
I tried to take this with the elders of our family but in vein, even you mother, admitted that my brother was harsh at times and needed to be stopped but when in front of him, it was a different story-
Mother, I went to the police station for a restraining order when you were there and supposed to water the fire between your children, I am one of your children, mother and not the other child-
The only thing I have left of a bond to this family is hate, we are bonded by hatred-
When I look into my brother’s eyes, my own dip into the mist and I see myself cocking a gun and pointing it straight to his forehead-
I’m not trying to scare you but this is the truth about how I feel because he influences every aspect of our relationship-
I feel like you’re only the mother of my brother.
-Dear mother, the problem between you and Dad always affected me, my brother said it was because of me, the problem child and you agreed-
Have you forgotten that I’m the one who told you of my Dad’s cheating, how he exchanged women in front of me as if I didn’t know what was going on?
I’m causing problems between you and Dad because what he does, does not include, involve or concern me-
Another mile to our relationship-
-Dear mother, I’ve just realized that there’s a big misunderstanding between us-
You have been trying for years to make me a disciplined Son, and in your quest, you have been so deep that you forgot to show me love-
I have been trying for years to make you a loving mother, and in my quest for love, I have been so deep that I forgot to show you discipline-
Sometimes I dream like I’m in a very deep and dark pit hole and I can’t get out, you walk past and I’m trying to reach out to you…yet you look at me for a few seconds then walk away-
My heart has built on hatred mom, I remember when I was still looking after livestock, there’s this one day when I went back home for the change that I had left under my bed because my friends and I wanted to buy bread and polonies while in the velds. I left the livestock with my fellows, went for the money and when I got home, my brother asked me what I was doing home before the comeback time and I explained my course until he understood. On my way out, I realized that my sister was baking scones and I asked for one, she gave it to me and then I left. Before I could exit the gate, my brother saw me eating something, I remember that day like it was yesterday, he asked me what I was eating which I told him. He asked me what I came home for and I also answered that, then he got pissed off that I came for one thing and did another, which is taking a scone that is, he took me to a separated room and started beating me with a belt, and I started crying. He hit me in such a way that I couldn’t feel the pain anymore, just burns on my skin. I kept crying, running around the room, he used it on my hands, my feet, my back, the stomach, the head, the face and under armpits.
I kept running around the room until he blocked me into a corner that I couldn’t run no more. My whole body got so hot from the belt beatings that I decided to surrender and lowered my hands, went down on my knees and brought both my hands together then said; “Oh brother, have mercy, please forgive me” it was the first time in my life calling him brother, he stopped for a second and then…he kept on hitting me.-
That incident, mother, is what’s giving me the will to survive, hate keeps me alive. I saw it from his eyes.
-Dear mother, when I was growing up, you always told me to fight back whenever I came home to report bullies-
I’ll never forget the three guys from my 7th grade who were all twice my age that bullied me for my pocket money, the way they were kicking me, punching me, slapping me. All you told me was to forgive and forget when I wanted you, as my mother, to report to the school principal-
It seems that you were always so forgiving of my bullies-
The feeling is twisting me, whirling my heart, twirling my brain, swirling my blood and I’m going to do what you taught me and that is to fight back, starting with my brother-
-Dear mother, I don’t want to fight or argue, I just want to be able to reach out to you-
This letter serves to show you how I feel and not how I think, I pray that you get it too-
All I need is to have a straight relationship with you and not have to go through my brother who always influences your perception about me-
But then again, I know you won’t understand.