The Death of a Big Brother

There are thousands upon thousands of words in the english language,

but I will never be able to sting any of them together to really show people how amazing you were.

I didn't believe in a God, but I knew you were an angel. 

The shaky structure of the family you and I were born into has all come crumbling down. 

The weight of your death was like a wreckingball, now we're all construction sites, building and fixing these broken hearts with nails of false hope and screws of memories we had with you. 

I feel as hollow as the chamber of the gun that killed you, the world is spinning too fast and I'm just trying to get up but everytime I look at the picture of you I packed in my school bag just incase I had a panic attack I feel like something is bulldozing over me.

This heartbreak is squeezing all the air I ever breathed, I feel like I'm carrying your corpse like a safety blanket, I want to build cathedrals on your grave because I swear not even that crown of thorns was as holy as you were. 

Mom keeps telling me you fell out of heaven by accident. I know it's true, but I know it doesn't help.

I miss you.