Depression (Inspired by Sabrina Benaim)

Mum my depression is getting worse

At times it's smaller than a grain of sand

The rest it's as big as a mountain.

Mum it's hard, I'm fighting for my life

I'm fighting for a place to live

I'm fighting with society

And I'm fighting with my own brain

An unreliable brain!

What kind of brain subjects their body

To hell?  

Mum I'm sorry

But i call these the dark days,

The i-can-barely-get-up days

The i-can’t-concentrate-well days

The i-can’t-stand-my-friends days

The i-have-to-go-outside-even-if-i-don’t-like-it days!

Mum i know you don't want to lose me,

Your darling daughter.

I know you can't deal with another loss.

I know you don't want all three of us

To have depression

But mum I'm too far gone to be considered fine

But mum I'm tired

I'm tired of living

I'm tired of fighting

I'm tired of breathing

Mum I'm sorry but these days are hard

When all i want to do is sleep,

An eternal and endless sleep

And maybe it's for the best

If i don't go to school today

My friends probably don't want to deal with me

And the teachers aren't going to understand

They say they care. But they really don't.

Mum I'm sorry

But these days are dark

As-dark-as-night dark

Darker-than-satan dark.

Darker-than-the-whole-of-space-that-surrounds-us dark

Mum my depression swirls around me

And grabs me by the throat each night

And i choke down tendrils of tears

And cough up a million sobs of begging

And all i want is to stop crying

Because everything sad is in my head

Mum while you raised me well

No one could have saved me

From my demons that i battle

Each and every night

When I'm all alone

And the light of my room

Surrounds the silence of the night

And all i can hear is the hamster

Mum my insomnia keeps me awake

And i can't sleep until late at night

And at times four-o’clock-in-the-morning

But mum

where did insomnia come from?!

Last time i checked i was depressed!

Now i can't sleep

If i had a clock i can imagine

The tick-tocking of that clock

ringing In my ears all night

Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock TICK-TOCK

Anxiety holds me in its wake

And surrounds me in a fog of fear

A fear of people and rejection

Where did anxiety come from?!

I thought i was fine mum

But I'm far from fine

When all i can see is darkness

But I am afraid of the dark mum!

Mum,

When you and dad separated

Life was hard, i was bullied more

For not having a “proper dad”

A “proper family”

But what is “proper?”

What is proper when proper isn't a person

Proper isn't an object

Proper is a word, a pointless word!

Mum,

When bullies ruled my school

And i became a mess

I had to learn the hard way

That you must be strong and ignore them

Because mum when they comment

On my weight it hurts

It hurts worse than overeating does

Mum their words pierce into my brain

And at night i can hear their taunts

Their laughs. Their jeers.

Mum i want to rip their tongues out so they can't hurt me!

Mum,

The dark days are hard

But so are the bright days

Each day is hard and each day is worth it

Because each day pulls me closer

To a brighter future

And a great life

Because i have to hang in there

Because life is beautiful and i am worthy.

So mum,

Next time you see me sad

Or my eyes full of tears

Please remember i am not fine

But I'm battling my demons everyday

And everyday is a task

And each night is another monster

And each forgotten happy memory

Is a bad memory taking over

So be patient with me

Because i need time

To understand myself and life

Mum,

When i was young i was bullied for being thin,

I was called anorexic…

But mum now they call me fat!

What am i mum?

I just want to be thin…

I want to be like them.

Thin bodies, big ass, big boobs.

Instagram worthy!

Not. Me.

Mum their words hurt…

I try my best i really do.

But when depression slaps me in the face

I can barely get out of bed,

Let alone wash my hair!

And i know my room is a mess!

But I'm spending my time crying!

Mum i want it to end

The pain. The suffering.

Why can't they stop it?

They have the power

The children at school can end my suffering

Don't they understand that?

Mum, I'm insecure.

I can't approach a till without being scared.

I can't talk to my family

I know i should be fine

After all others have it worse.

But i can't help but feel useless

And worthless… oh god mum…

I miss the time where i didn't worry

About whether or not my ass was big enough

Or my stomach small enough

Or my face contoured enough

I miss when i knew who i was

I miss having reliable friends…

If i ever had that to begin with.

Mum, I miss the times where i never doubted the people in my life,

When love was easy and men were people and not disappointments,

I miss when i didn't worry whether they would leave me for another

Because those girls are way better than me

Mum! Please listen,

I'm not complicated

Or dramatic… I'm scared and confused of why this world has been unfair to me,

What have i done to deserve this hell?

This purgatory?

I want it to end mum.

 

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