Depression (Inspired by Sabrina Benaim)

Mum my depression is getting worse
At times it's smaller than a grain of sand
The rest it's as big as a mountain.
Mum it's hard, I'm fighting for my life
I'm fighting for a place to live
I'm fighting with society
And I'm fighting with my own brain
An unreliable brain!
What kind of brain subjects their body
To hell?
Mum I'm sorry
But i call these the dark days,
The i-can-barely-get-up days
The i-can’t-concentrate-well days
The i-can’t-stand-my-friends days
The i-have-to-go-outside-even-if-i-don’t-like-it days!
Mum i know you don't want to lose me,
Your darling daughter.
I know you can't deal with another loss.
I know you don't want all three of us
To have depression
But mum I'm too far gone to be considered fine
But mum I'm tired
I'm tired of living
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of breathing
Mum I'm sorry but these days are hard
When all i want to do is sleep,
An eternal and endless sleep
And maybe it's for the best
If i don't go to school today
My friends probably don't want to deal with me
And the teachers aren't going to understand
They say they care. But they really don't.
Mum I'm sorry
But these days are dark
As-dark-as-night dark
Darker-than-satan dark.
Darker-than-the-whole-of-space-that-surrounds-us dark
Mum my depression swirls around me
And grabs me by the throat each night
And i choke down tendrils of tears
And cough up a million sobs of begging
And all i want is to stop crying
Because everything sad is in my head
Mum while you raised me well
No one could have saved me
From my demons that i battle
Each and every night
When I'm all alone
And the light of my room
Surrounds the silence of the night
And all i can hear is the hamster
Mum my insomnia keeps me awake
And i can't sleep until late at night
And at times four-o’clock-in-the-morning
But mum
where did insomnia come from?!
Last time i checked i was depressed!
Now i can't sleep
If i had a clock i can imagine
The tick-tocking of that clock
ringing In my ears all night
Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock TICK-TOCK
Anxiety holds me in its wake
And surrounds me in a fog of fear
A fear of people and rejection
Where did anxiety come from?!
I thought i was fine mum
But I'm far from fine
When all i can see is darkness
But I am afraid of the dark mum!
Mum,
When you and dad separated
Life was hard, i was bullied more
For not having a “proper dad”
A “proper family”
But what is “proper?”
What is proper when proper isn't a person
Proper isn't an object
Proper is a word, a pointless word!
Mum,
When bullies ruled my school
And i became a mess
I had to learn the hard way
That you must be strong and ignore them
Because mum when they comment
On my weight it hurts
It hurts worse than overeating does
Mum their words pierce into my brain
And at night i can hear their taunts
Their laughs. Their jeers.
Mum i want to rip their tongues out so they can't hurt me!
Mum,
The dark days are hard
But so are the bright days
Each day is hard and each day is worth it
Because each day pulls me closer
To a brighter future
And a great life
Because i have to hang in there
Because life is beautiful and i am worthy.
So mum,
Next time you see me sad
Or my eyes full of tears
Please remember i am not fine
But I'm battling my demons everyday
And everyday is a task
And each night is another monster
And each forgotten happy memory
Is a bad memory taking over
So be patient with me
Because i need time
To understand myself and life
Mum,
When i was young i was bullied for being thin,
I was called anorexic…
But mum now they call me fat!
What am i mum?
I just want to be thin…
I want to be like them.
Thin bodies, big ass, big boobs.
Instagram worthy!
Not. Me.
Mum their words hurt…
I try my best i really do.
But when depression slaps me in the face
I can barely get out of bed,
Let alone wash my hair!
And i know my room is a mess!
But I'm spending my time crying!
Mum i want it to end
The pain. The suffering.
Why can't they stop it?
They have the power
The children at school can end my suffering
Don't they understand that?
Mum, I'm insecure.
I can't approach a till without being scared.
I can't talk to my family
I know i should be fine
After all others have it worse.
But i can't help but feel useless
And worthless… oh god mum…
I miss the time where i didn't worry
About whether or not my ass was big enough
Or my stomach small enough
Or my face contoured enough
I miss when i knew who i was
I miss having reliable friends…
If i ever had that to begin with.
Mum, I miss the times where i never doubted the people in my life,
When love was easy and men were people and not disappointments,
I miss when i didn't worry whether they would leave me for another
Because those girls are way better than me
Mum! Please listen,
I'm not complicated
Or dramatic… I'm scared and confused of why this world has been unfair to me,
What have i done to deserve this hell?
This purgatory?
I want it to end mum.
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Comments
Like Tina said ~ this is one of the most heart-wrenching writes I've ever read on COSMO!!....... Bullying is at epidemic proportions in schools these days...... and depression is running rampant..... it is truly difficult to live in this capitalist society with so much expectation for perfection in the appearance of a person.... it's so shallow and hurtful..... but as we watch the independents on Television these days we can see that the tide is changing..... hold on dear sister poet..... your day is coming..... and if you can continue to write like this..... your skills will help get you wherever you decide to go in your life!!......a great début piece my friend!!......ALL STARS and PINNED for its honesty!!...... well done SKYELAR!!....and .......WELCOME to COSMO!!.....LOVE and ROCKETS!!......T xo ?✳✴♥☀?♥??
Thank you :) honestly I never thought my writing was that good so thank you for boosting my confidence up.
personally I think the way children are raised and their education plays a big part in if they grow up to be bullies or not. If a child is brought up in a family where it's acceptable to be rude and disrespectful then they'll grow up to be exactly that.
Anyway, thank you again. And I hope I do post more :)
keep going sweetheart i know what your going through epic write-i will be watching for nest workx