Distance

Distance 
By Emily Capell 

Why then insult me with your fears
Which I have paid for with my tears
To comfort every parting blow
And ease your way so you could grow?
You'd wait until I'm soft and sweet
Then tie me in a box so neat
And synch it tight so I can't move
I know not what you hope to prove

Except that I have hoped in vain?
With masochistic love of pain?
Before it darkened and grew cold
And all the lying got so old
"I never thought you'd leave" you said
You didn't care that I was dead
That is not me, has never been
You think you lose and that I win
If somehow I am free from fear
And you cannot allow that, dear

But I have snapped the bonds of you
And broken up your boxes too
I've stretched my limbs and taken breath
I'm liberated from this death!
I will not hide and just submit
To all your whims and all your shit!
You've come to love to hurt me, dear
You think my grief will keep me near
I never wanted ONCE to win
I banked on that we'd both begin
A brand new journey side by side
Where trusting, hopeful paths were tried

But there is something I have learned 
From all the times that I've been burned
There's something that I can't un-know
No matter where I plan to go
No matter what I ever do
I learned a bitter truth from you:

That sometimes one may choose to pay
With ME, if I should give away
My life into their greedy hands
and give up peace for their demands
And let them rule the air I breathe
They smile on top, but under, seethe
And see me as no more than sport
A game to win, a thing to sort
Who would be better dead than free...
Oh, this is what you think of me!

It can't be true, it CANNOT be!

Until I see the bindings, worn
The lashings and the boxes, torn
I stand and breathe and raise my head...
My very God!! I AM not dead!

This must mean it was never right
That I should suffer such a plight 
To be your servant, slave and dupe
And look at me! I've flown the coop!
You'll never put the free bird back
To roast her, living, on the rack
To pick at, eat at, pray to, burn
You forced that I should live and learn
You pushed me to a black abyss
To spread my wings... or die for this 

Well I have died to prove to all
I could not fly but only fall 
And having broken both my wings 
I had some time to think of things 
From down there flopping on the ground 
With not a single soul around 
And mourning as I lay alone 
As no one to my aid had flown 
I searched myself and stretched my eyes 
The stars were there, still in the skies! 
I healed myself through time and grief
And all at once it came, relief!
I flew off on my own at last 
and never moved myself so fast 

I could not stop the pull of fate 
The day was over, hour late
And as you watched me as I flew 
You dreamt that I abandoned you 
You told yourself I had no right 
To take my wings into the night 
I had no right to wings at all!
You hoped I'd stumble, crash and fall

But day soon came and brought a light 
And though I'd flown on through the night
I looked up then and I saw you 
It couldn't be, it wasn't true 
Or was it fate? Did I but fall?
Not having quite been pushed at all?
The mess looks clean, I see no cord
And thought I could, the chance, afford 

Until I woke one day and felt
A sliding noose, a tightened belt
Around my very heart and wings
And threatening to take both things!
I stood up then and took a breath
And shook away the bonds of death
The horror of a past of tears  
The burden of the wasted years
The sorrow of the lonely nights
The bitter words of all our fights

You did not like a bird who flies
You wanted one who sings and cries
And stays so neatly in her cage
To be forgotten, lest your rage
-that she, so lonely, couldn't sing
That she should such awareness bring
That she should dream of more-lets loose
A monster, binding bird in noose

With hateful will and bitter heart
That last gift that you did impart 
Was just to jerk me, one last time
The moment, surely, was divine 
Until the noose just simply failed
And lifting through the knots I sailed

I saw you then as I looked down
So small and angry on the ground 
Performer, audience of one
And I just left with all the fun 

Who else will now play in the box
And let you close them in with locks?
Who now will take the brutal prod
Yet beg and bow and call you God?

I can't look back I have to fly
And spread my wings into the sky 
Whatever happened that was then 
And I must be myself again 
I had wings once, I know the view
Though memory is distant, true
With ancient instinct on I soar 
no more his toy, no more his whore

I feel the warming of the sun
And I won't sing for anyone
I'll sing but when I choose for me! 
I'll sing for love of being free