F R A U D

Plagued and symptomaticly perplexed; I ask you now rhetorically - 
Why does my very own mind continue to betray me, plotting and insisting on definitively destroying me..?

And how is it that my reflection seems so foreign and somehow  synical; stealing my soul through strangers eyes and slowly erasing what is left of me

How can soulless words, they’re  merely projected sound, carry so much weight and cause so much trauma.. So capable of damaging the spirit and causing scars that forever act as reminders of the pain they caused the very first time sharp words were ever catapulted your way

Tell me, Why is silence so much louder than the voices the noises the bustle employed to drown out  the doubts.. and then these words and sounds, these seas of moving mouths; slowly morph and merge sequentially into something like a deep and monotonous murmur

Like the irregular rhythm, the one in your heart every time it breaks and bends, and you convince it to keep beating, a false positive that silences alarm - because a pulse is all the need to confirm that you’re “ok”

 Burying the broken pieces as you continue to qiuetly fall apart, like a martyr you suffer tirelessly all the while your mind is committing murder 

And so the notion that the first time you experience the malignant sensation of true hate it is  formed as self;  disturbs and angers me to the core.  See when you accumulate such a loathing for the you that you have convinced yourself is the reason you aren’t the you that’s worthy of the things you love or yearn, you become a vessel of destruction; sinking all your hopes and dreams, deserting them at shore 

How can we be so innately caring and so kind to total strangers.  And why can we so effortlessly show unconditional love, empathy and boundless compassion so especially to those ones that we hold dearest in our hearts..

Yet when it comes to our own selves, to our mistakes or to our short comings,  we are transformed into a reverse champion of our own demise. So unkind and so wreck less, and monstrously cruel; we drive a dagger into any Lasting or  harboured hope and convince our ourselves that we are worthless, weak and unsensational.. undeserving of happiness; the seed is planted and it quickly sprouts.. alas  here is where the downward spiral starts.

One thousand “your amazing”-ings land at your feet they matter until they dont.. because the moment you hear just one “you aren’t good enough” it’s power to negate those praises instantly is impressive, launching you into a self appointed take over you marinade in it and remind yourself relentlessly that you wont ever be good enough, that you’re closer to that nothingness written in your destiny
 
My imperfections truly deafen me they torment and they burden me. The never ending whisper, the dialogue that torments me, and the agonising screams trapped within the confines of my mind;  the affirmations are so ingrained that I no longer dream of one day being free 

Imagine this. A hell created to trap your soul, to set it up for an inevitable abduction, no ransom just the promise to continue the torture even after your vessel has departed. Trapped in a hell no one can comprehend, if only they could feel the sadness and the pain, they don’t see any sign of trouble so they believe your fraudulent half assed smile; it’s like troubled  thoughts and suicidal pangs transversed and projected, melodically disguised as your favourite pop song

Maker, why would we be created with the capability to self destruct? 
Why would we be given free will if we are prone to choosing the darkest paths? 
Maybe I am one of many who are perhaps chemically faulty..  could it be that something just isn’t right? Or is it that sadistically we were simply meant to be forever tortured and that those happy few amongst the rest are freak-like anomalies? I’ve never wanted before so badly to be wrong

I must conclude and concur, before it dawns on you that you can’t be sure which me is exposing the darkness or the reasons why; 
but If the dialogue inside my head escaped and made onto script, the world would drown in endless tears from the pure hatred these words would seep