Feeling lonely while surrounded by people

That empty feeling
Where joy and heart should be
Is nothing but a concave 
Growing wider and deeper by the second
I put on a front of a smile and bright eyes
But inside I feel dull and cold.

When I'm actually alone out spill the tears
Why do I feel lonely with or without others around 
Pushing back the sting of tears
Lest be someone hears you
How do you describe this feeling to loved ones
It surely isn't an easy one to grasp.

When I've tried to speak about it
I've been shushed almost immediately 
Saying I don't know what I'm feeling
I must be confused with someone else
Believe me I'm confused by this feeling 
I can't make head nor tail of it.

It's my feeling and yet I don't know what to do
If my family can't soothe me
How can I soothe myself?
Without feeling embarrassed or stupid
Just because I have a big heart
That feels things so deeply.

I've never been able to understand this feeling
It appears from seemingly nowhere sometimes
No warning, no alarm just tears and heartache
I try to stifle them as fast as possible
I don't want to be lectured on feeling too much
And then be lectured on not feeling enough.

It's so hard to find the in-between emotions
They're either light and lovely 
Or dark and dismal
No middle ground to sit upon
To try and calm my senses
Along with my heart beating out of my ribcage.

I tend to feel numb after too much feeling
Which I agree isn't the greatest methodd
Becoming cold and callous was never my style
I strive for calm and comfort
These enormous emotions test me constantly 
They try to push me off the path of the living. 

Try as hard as I may
I may never be able to deal with these feelings
A future I hope doesn't come 
I want to relieve my past self of her grievances
Show me family that I can be better than them
Not succumb to the darkness.

I want to be the light
The dreamy clouds along a blue sky
The stars in the inky abyss
The bubbling foam in the ever changing seas
The candle that provides warmth and comfort
The very moon and sun in our system.

I want to be better than those that came before me
For once for myself and not anyone else
I shall not become jaded and crooked like them
I don't want to lose my light in this dim world 
I am capable as I am with all my troubles in tow
I want to be better for my past, present and future.