Finally Healing

In middle school I tried to kill myself two times... I would wake up an cut myself.. I was addicted to it as if were a drug...I needed to feel something. I was so numb, for so long... I made myself believe that suicide was the only answer.. I would cut the word fat into my leg, to remind myself not to eat..that I had to be thin. 
The worst days are when the demons surface again, get into my head, my thoughts... Make me feel worthless, incapable of being loved. 
I am the unlovable. 
 There are days that are worse than other, when everything seems to be the worst thing i the world. Those days I pretend I am dead. In an entirety of sleep. 
On the occasional good days I can shove away the pain, feelings. 
My friends say I have a heart of gold, that I am too nice to people, that don’t deserve my kindness... I suppose that is true..
I love people so fully, openly, unconditionally, because I believe I will never be able to love myself the way I can love others... So in my mind if I love everyone else as I wished I could love myself. They’ll never leave me. That’s not the case. They always leave, maybe because I trust to much, love to easily. One day things will become better and easier. 
I’m just healing....