Following Me is a sacrifice

Lord, I went back.
What was I even thinking?
What can she offers me,
that I don’t already have?
I don’t feel safe 
I feel suspicious 
Like nothing that comes out of her mouth,
Is trustworthy or even the truth.
Like she is making up excuses and blame everyone - rather than herself.
Like she can’t even take responsibility for her wrongs and she doesn’t understand my outburst, when I feel betrayed and unloved.
When she shows how she texts her friends.
When she lies and pretend that their secret never will be spelled.
How she acts all loyal and friendly, 
but betrays everyone she once called friend.
She’s fake and the life we’re trying to make,
Is nothing but a contaminated lake.

It’s like a game we play and I play along.
But deep down I don’t want to play anymore.
I’m tired of my acting, 
I want to be honest, 
I want to break free,
I want to scream til there’s no air left inside of me.
But I’m too afraid to face the consequences.
I’m too scared to face her reaction.
Cause I know she’d never accept.
She’ll never respect me.
All she ever does is blame me.

I see myself being more and more trapped.
And I don’t know how to end this treadmill that I don’t seem to get off.
I’m trying to think of solutions but every single one is tough.
Why am I afraid to speak my mind?
Why do I only think of runaways?
And not real goodbyes?
I’m exhausted and 
I’m slowly being suffocated.
Everyone else’s needs goes before my own,
and nobody knows that I’m torn.
I’m torn inside and I desperately want to scream.
Lord, I know I screwed up.
Again and again and again.
But can You please help me out once more?
Lord, can You hear my desperate cry for a cure?
It’s like she puts venom in my life core.
She tastes like poison,
and I’m obsessed.
I want to break free, cause this is nonsense.
Can You please tell me: It’s not too late?
God, You’re The only one who knows my true fate

I hear Your voice,
like a whisper in the wind 
I’m steering at the view outside the window on second floor.
The weather is nice,
I see some rays of light passes through the clouds.
And the trees move from side to side.
I’m in my favorite coffee shop.
“You can choose when to stop”
He starts:

“You have a choice, my child.
I don’t force myself upon you or anyone else,
but what you’re feeling now is emptiness deep down in your chest.
Like something is missing in your soul and 
you can’t find true peace and deep rest at all.
My child, can you believe Me when I say:
I don’t want you to suffer anymore?
Not even one more day.

Who am I? 
Is a question you ask yourself often,
especially when you keep running back to what you used to know.
And you keep blaming yourself for not being strong.
You’re asking the exact question,
I want you to ask.
Because, that means you are open for a new answer.
That means you refuse to accept your actions to be the definition of who you are.
You’re not your actions.
You’re who I say you are.
You’re loved.
You’re blessed.
You’re My masterpiece of perfection.
My daughter, you’re My princess.
And I’m so satisfied with all of My creations.

You’re not weak,
when you run back to the things that once comforted you,
and made you feel safe,
cause I already knew that was going to happen. 
I knew how many times you would end a relationship and then enter again.
And now over a year has passed since you made a decision to find your true inner self.
You started your healing journey early in 23.
Now, look how far you’ve come My child!
Now, look how much you have grown!
Be proud of the work and the time you’ve invested in.
Be proud of the progress.
You made it this far.
And one day you won’t run back to what use to satisfy.
You’ll stay in the cocoon waiting to be transformed.
My child, your wings is shaping,
It’s taking form.
You’ve come so far.
Nothing is in vain.
I’m near and soon you’ll see everything clear.
My dear,
I love you!
To infinity and beyond!
And no evil will ever harm the chosen people of My heart”