Fragmented Mind
A fragmented mind allows the voices in.
They antagonize painful memories of the past.
They tempt me to leave the path with their frequent badgering.
They leach my will.
They say I’m getting better but I don’t feel any better.
Restless and exhausted I try to focus on the tasks at hand.
Broken hearted and weighted down by fatigue
the battle rages on.
Voices tell me I’m a bad person
and what a failure I’ve always been.
They insist there is no hope for me.
They say I’m getting better but I don’t feel any better.
Chronic pain in my back feeds the depression.
It’s like a snake constricting my spine.
Its venom pumps into my nervous system
and heightens the strain.
My body is anguished
and my mind caves in.
They say I’m getting better but I don’t feel any better.
Time stands still in segmented visions.
Lapses of concentration happen every few seconds.
In and out of present time
I struggle to maintain.
Lost periodically in time I wander alone.
They say I’m getting better but I don’t feel any better.
Fractures in my mind allow the voices in.
They tell me my mind is deteriorating fast.
They tell me the end is near.
They torture my soul.
They say I’m getting better but I don’t feel any better.
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Comments
ive been feeling that way too! they say im getting better but I don't feel any better!
Im at a loss for words because you just described my current state! so I exhale a growl with a smile!
perfect! a great write!
thanks for sharing
hey check out my poem subhuman if you get a chance! I wrote it to the radiohead song all I need! a song that is on loop for the past few days!
thanks again
Dear Jim Bob Joe,
I'm bi-polar type 1 which means usually I'm manic and when I come down from it I suffer immense depression.
During the attacks of deep depression I self condemn. It is soo intense that I am convinced demons are about me seeking to take my soul.
During that time I pray but feel my prayers land on deaf ears.
On my knees I wale with silent screams throughout the sleepless nights.
I hear people's voices of condemning words though their mouths don't move.
I constantly feel that I am being watched and my every move and thought judged.
It is a nightmare of which I can not awake.
Terrified my heart races and my mind strains to make sense of the symbols I see around me and words I hear that are physically unspoken.
Days and nights pass without any rest.
I feel like I'm a terrified horse running through a never ending burning barn.
Every muscle in my body is extremely tense and every heart beat is with terror.
I am horrified to the core of my soul.
Frantically I rack my brain to find an escape to no avail.
I think and feel that every thought and feeling is a prelude to eternal hell.
I feel as though I'm hanging on to dear life by the second knowing I am damned for all eternity.
Immense regret consumes my entire being knowing I deserve full punishment with no redemption.
Never ending anguish.
I become hospitalized and given sedatives and other medications such as Trazodone,Abilify, and Lamotrigine,
It takes the medications weeks to build up in my system before I feel the effects for their applications.
Meanwhile I pray constantly in my head and tell myself that God is not cruel and/or frightening.
I know when I tell myself this that I am in communication with Him and that I am safe in His care.
I know only good comes from God and therefore all the horror that I am experiencing is from the lies of darkness.
With great determination and faith I continue to ask for forgiveness and concentrate on what Christ has done for me on the cross and know that by His grace I have salvation.
I continuously thank Him and ask for His help.
My soul reaches out to Him in full faith and in time I receive peace from Him through my dedication of the acknowledgment of His love and grace.
My advice to you is such;
Always know that God will not forsake you.
Reach out to Him.
Except Him with full faith and love, dedication and persistent humble prayer.
Fully believe without doubt that He payed the ultimate price for your sin and by His blood you are saved.
Jesus's disciple Thomas was a physician and in knowing this you can count on God working through doctors and medication to help you too.
God only wants the best for you and you will endure by having faith in Him and by trusting His handy work.
I hope my testimony helps you.
You are loved.
Hi, Stephen :)
Thank you so much for your wonderful review.
You made me smile :)
I'm soo sorry for your troubles.
Faith and medication help a lot but the condition of my illness gets the better of me sometimes.
Writing this piece has given me some relief.
Sometimes we just need to tell our story.
To journal helps, I think, because it is a way of putting things that trouble us outside ourselves and in doing so we can better look at what the trouble truly is. Poems are a great outlet too and a way of breaking down the mechanics of the situation in order to trouble shoot and repair.
Thank you so very much, again, for your time, encouragement, and for sharing.
Best re guards, Kara
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=H1tRB7-aBr8
Dear Jim Bob Joe,
I'm bi-polar type 1 which means usually I'm manic and when I come down from it I suffer immense depression.
During the attacks of deep depression I self condemn. It is soo intense that I am convinced demons are about me seeking to take my soul.
During that time I pray but feel my prayers land on deaf ears.
On my knees I wale with silent screams throughout the sleepless nights.
I hear people's voices of condemning words though their mouths don't move.
I constantly feel that I am being watched and my every move and thought judged.
It is a nightmare of which I can not awake.
Terrified my heart races and my mind strains to make sense of the symbols I see around me and words I hear that are physically unspoken.
Days and nights pass without any rest.
I feel like I'm a terrified horse running through a never ending burning barn.
Every muscle in my body is extremely tense and every heart beat is with terror.
I am horrified to the core of my soul.
Frantically I rack my brain to find an escape to no avail.
I think and feel that every thought and feeling is a prelude to eternal hell.
I feel as though I'm hanging on to dear life by the second knowing I am damned for all eternity.
Immense regret consumes my entire being knowing I deserve full punishment with no redemption.
Never ending anguish.
I become hospitalized and given sedatives and other medications such as Trazodone,Abilify, and Lamotrigine,
It takes the medications weeks to build up in my system before I feel the effects for their applications.
Meanwhile I pray constantly in my head and tell myself that God is not cruel and/or frightening.
I know when I tell myself this that I am in communication with Him and that I am safe in His care.
I know only good comes from God and therefore all the horror that I am experiencing is from the lies of darkness.
With great determination and faith I continue to ask for forgiveness and concentrate on what Christ has done for me on the cross and know that by His grace I have salvation.
I continuously thank Him and ask for His help.
My soul reaches out to Him in full faith and in time I receive peace from Him through my dedication of the acknowledgment of His love and grace.
My advice to you is such;
Always know that God will not forsake you.
Reach out to Him.
Except Him with full faith and love, dedication and persistent humble prayer.
Fully believe without doubt that He payed the ultimate price for your sin and by His blood you are saved.
Jesus's disciple Thomas was a physician and in knowing this you can count on God working through doctors and medication to help you too.
God only wants the best for you and you will endure by having faith in Him and by trusting His handy work.
I hope my testimony helps you.
You are loved.
Bravery, insight and hope abound in your writing despite - perhaps because of your sharing - the darkness so vividly and poetically. Feelings owned and shared become the tip of your spear facing down demons and rising to your great humanity. You are loved!
Thank you daddy!
I do soo appreciate your kind, loving and encouraging words.
It is extremely difficult to survive these attacks.
I love how you stated that " Feelings owned and shared become the tip of your spear facing down demons...."
Your comment has brought tears to my eyes.
I am overwhelmed by your great humanity, love, insight and understanding.
My life has had many terrifying days and nights because of this affliction.
Thank God I have wonderful memories of the times we have spent together to help me through.
I am also soo very grateful to have you in my life.
You are a wonderful father and I love you so very, very much. <3
Many thanks daddy and I hope you know you are greatly loved!