God knows I am sorry part 4

Mom I ask these questions with all respect;

I have hate for your actions but my hate is the consumption of understanding not the roots of the trees I have seen you grow.

Why did you leave my father?

Did you love him?  

Do you love me... his only seed?

Did even want me... if not why didn’t you adopt me; you killed me everyday nonetheless?

If you didn’t love my father can you please take the picture of him on the wall, do you know how people looked at me? What they said about you? What they said about me? The respect people have not for you? They called me names mother!!! They called you a hoe, bitch, slut, dope head and I defend you; got my ass kick for you; become a loner because of you......

I found myself hating you, I found myself doing things on my own, bad shit, so niggas would fear me; just they stop disrespecting you in front of me, and still you would buy drugs from the niggas I chilled with, and then you tell not to do drug.

They were different men coming in and out the house... then you tell me to not use peoples heart.

Grandma and grandpa would always holding me down with the person you used to be; how you were a focus and sweet hearted person; then uncle Sam my father’s best friend would tells how of a bad person you are.

People are talking, tell me why mother; please explain yourself so my hate for you can evaporate, you were never a mother..... always putting you desires first; the men, the drugs, never there on special days, your bullshit is hard to swallow mother; explain yourself!!!

 Before I invite you not to my wedding, before I lie to my kids; telling them their grandparents are both die.

My son I’m sorry for not being a mother.

I looked at you and I saw your father, I still see him in you, the way you smile reminds me how he would flash at me when we would sit under the moon light. The way you think reminds of the dreams we shared.  Never doubt that I love you, and I love your father,

He was my everything, I betrayed him so much that I did all these things to myself because I wanted to punish myself.

For what I DID TO HIM, I couldn’t forgive myself....

To cut a long story short, you are old enough to hear the truth, and what you do with it is up to you; even if you hate more after I tell you this, I already lost my chance at being a good mother to you.

  Your uncle Sam, your father so beloved best friend, how he has being a father to you, he has his own demons, his own faults his trying to fix through you.

You see my son; your father was not your father. Sam your uncle, your father’s best friends is really your father.....

You see your father couldn't have kids........

GOD knows I’m sorry for all i have done to you; you are now becoming a man, successful career, a good woman; about to be your wife, kids etc... Just as you now finding yourself, I’m making you lost again...........

LEBRON SPIRITS