Hard times

Tossing and turning that’s what I do to try and get at least 4 hours of sleep. It doesn’t help feeling worthless it doesn’t work when that’s all you hear all day family friends people who don’t even know you. Right now I’m with someone that means the world to me it sucks that’s person doesn’t feel the same. I ask myself daily do I deserve this I hear it over and over my head but when you’re inlove that doesn’t matter nothing matters your heart skips a beat when you see them. when you think about them that strange feeling you get in your stomach like little butterflies never goes away it’s like meeting them all over but all that thinking about said person just hurts because you picture this future together you have everything planned out but all it takes is one little moment to change it all one small decision. Maybe just maybe he meets someone else he falls for them and you’re left there kicked to the curb, that’s life you have so much happiness and then poof it’s gone in a matter of minutes. What do I do? how do I tell myself I’m hurting myself by loving someone so deeply it brings tears to my eyes thinking I can’t be with them for reasons that’s aren’t even visible at times ? Your first true love is always the hardest maybe that why I’m not ready to give up something so picture perfect someone that was and continues to be my first everything. It keeps me up all night thinking of the pain looking at the scars on my legs and arms as I trace over them with my finger it’s been a while I think since I’ve tried anything if you know what I mean, that gives me hope but as the sun goes down and I hit my bed, dead silence everywhere I begin to remember why, why I’ve brought so much more pain into a place that I call “home” it’s never been home but why do I let it haunt me when it’s been something I’ve tried to learn to live with, pain thats my “high” pain is a big part of me always has been since the first time I can remember that’s how I’ve lived, but that’s a story for another time.