He makes me dance.

I wanted you to kiss me when im mad, to hold me when im sad, I wanted to curl up next to you when things seemed bad but yet I self-indulged in the warm aching burn of the red liquid that scorched my throat as if it was caressing my soul . I felt comfort in the popping of the cork the serine sound of water falling, falling that was the word I used to describe when asked if I was happy you know when you fall without end losing control not knowing where you might end its strange u know as I've always known that you were present but never there I cling to my sanity with all my might as you strike me with words that clouds my sight.

I talk for you yet the silence booms in me, I laugh for you yet there’s no smile…….

The awkward chuckle when you pretend kiss me in public the unknowing smiles of eyes that stare in admiration. My doors are closed my walls can speak of the boom bang music you make me dance to.

I dance with all shades of blue and black the indigo bruise slap bang on my back, I cringe with pain when I sway my hips I cling to my sanity with my crimson lips the lips you used to kiss with so much passion I fear for you yet I’m not afraid as I’ve been taught the old fashion way, we don’t speak of unseen the evidence is his mark don’t bad mouth him as he is yours I somehow feel that this is what I’ve caused.

The woman in me has long died the fire in me extinguished by the pain that falls upon me like soft foam, I fight no more as this is me a strong willed women I claimed to be has marks of love all over her back her arms her legs the aching the scars the makeup the scarves the crying the tears the moaning the fears, the “ what did you do to make him act that way” the seeking the longing the incomparable match of two breathless bodies entwined in ecstasy lost in time for all eternity in a sunny grass patch needing nothing but that warm vanilla colored skin against mine. Those were the honeymoon days my mother calls it the “ it won’t last forever” days the “ you are so beautiful” days the I will always be there for you days and then the reality  sinks in so deep  that I can feel the unbearable blows to the heart I thought was yours to have and to hold.

The silence so loud I have to turn it down the insanity that keeps me sane the noise I now recognize as pain. The pain in me ignites strength in you the omnipotent power you swing at me with nothing but your load music making me dance. This is the last show as I will no longer dance to your music sing to your tune laugh at your so called jokes nor will I cry as a result of your harshness or bow down to your fierceness. You have the audacity without authority to imprison me with the love I thought I felt for you.

My daughter a reflection of my younger me my son the image of a man who resembles you but is nothing like the monster I’ve come to know  he dries my tears she sings a song he holds my head she touches my hand

They caress my soul my inner being, they have kept my heart beating as you enjoyed the show while seated in the front row. I quit as I no longer wish to dance so the show is over there are no audience we will do it gracefully and not give you a second glance.