Homesick

When I was smaller
and younger
and happier
I remember going to a friend's house for the night
and crying into my pillow.
I was homesick.

One day I was at the daycare
none of the other kids would play with me
I thought about my family
and how I missed them
and how I hoped they would eventually come get me.
I sat in the corner of the playroom
trying not to cry
because i didn't have a pillow.
I was homesick.

These are times I remember
and times that I would trade
for how I'm feeling right now
in a heartbeat.
Because now I'm bigger
and older
and sadder.
I still go to friends' houses for the night
and cry into my pillow
because I am homesick

I still go to school
and none of the kids will talk to me
and I think about my family
and how I miss them
and how I wish that one of them would come get me
and I sit in the corner of the classroom
trying not to cry
because I don't have a pillow
and I am homesick.

But right now is much much worse
because I'm laying in my own bed
my parents room is right above mine
and I can hear my brother watching tv
in the very room next to mine
and I know my family is all okay
and I know they love me
and everything is familiar
but I still find myself crying into my pillow
I am homesick.

Because I'm thinking about the day
when I wake up somewhere else.
When I'm at my parents' funerals
or when my siblings are hours away.
When everything is unfamiliar
and scary
and I don't even recognize myself.
My family will be gone
I will not be here
I'll be even bigger
and older
and sadder.
And that
is why
I'm homesick.