I'm sorry

I'm sorry for not continuing to fight for, and do what I had to.
I'm sorry for not stepping up and being your mother.

I'm sorry if it feels like I never loved you, or at least not enough.

I'm sorry for all the holidays not spent together,

And for birthdays that I've missed.

I'm sorry that your growing up without me.

I'm sorry I'm not there to tuck you into bed at night,

Or tell you bedtime stories.

I'm sorry back then I couldn't get my life together.

I dream about you and who you will become when you grow up.

I wonder what your favorite activities are.

I wonder what your favorite food and drink are.

I wonder if you have a favorite sport and if you watch TV.

I wonder what kind of music you like.

If it's similar to what I like.

It kills me thinking about whether you love me still like your adoption mother,

Haunts my dreams, wondering if you'll hate me for what I did.

And if you will forgive me for being so dumb,

Will you come and look for me or not bother to try?

The last day I saw you was a day I can never forget.

The agony and pain felt within my heart I still feel,

I'll continue to feel it every day that comes and goes without you.

I love you my dear son, my firstborn,

I write this to apologize for all that I have done.