In Lieu of A Confessional
i have been a man
riddled with neglect
a conviction of empty promises
hangs around my neck
my tongue vomits vain thoughts
my hands betray heart's true intent
it is clear i have no bridle
my movements untamed
and like an insolent child
i am idle and insane
rather than straight
i am bent
though whole i walk as lame
my condition is pathetic
i might even be a heretic
i'm too aware of the truth
to be absolved of guilt
or claim to be a lunatic
no excuses can i muster
to brush away the facts
that i have taken love for granted
my lamp lacks shine and luster
it's pitifully corroded
my mode is switched to slack
i've been arrogantly riding you
as if you were a donkey
led by carrot and stick
the irony is the direction of my leadership
as your glory mine eclipse
for we have gotten nowhere
but encircled an ellipse
the only answer to this dilemma
is for our roles to switch
it wasn't fun to play the king
please let me be your bitch
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Comments
Great work.
What I liked about your poem were the cleverly worded phrases, I could hear the beats of the stresses rising and falling between rhymes.
Favorite part:
The only part that threw me, was the last two lines. I'm not sure if you want to change that as, it's probably the basis for the poem. The end is the most important part (for me). I just think it is too shocking.
Or maybe it's the way that I'm reading it. Which wouldn't be the first time I have missed the metaphor entirly.
I enjoyed reading your poem.
Have a great night.
Thank you for all your feedback. I felt the end was too shocking also. Too abrupt a shift in tone. I took the risk and left it as I'd first expressed it but will ponder how to rephrase that and may come back and edit if I find a better way to say it.