kalaidoscope

There’s nothing to be done
It won’t bring him back.
The music still plays from the playlist.
The moon still blooms on spring nights.
But I am left alone 
by the actions of my own hands.
Did I freeze him out of my life?
I rode him over his imperfections.
But missed the fact that my 
Lack of acceptance was a bigger failing.
I want to be a woman that does not
Need the constant attention of men.
yet my dark red lipstick is for them
And my sexy bra and panties 
that I wear just in case
Well just in case.
Belies my outward persona.
I am tired of writing sad poems
Full of loss and death.
Yet if I stop I know 
I will crawl back to it.
I feel lost like an imposter.
That  has forgotten 
who they really are.
One day I am afraid
That when I wash the make up
Off my face at night.
I will not know 
Who is under it.