Keg gull buoy ™

(my fashionably late xmas greeting
could long foster for this century 21 a meeting
of thee poetic minds pleasantry sent once
   boot not worth reap peat ting).

up in the air
mine barrel sized girth 
   sloshes with cheap beer
wishing many strangers 

   happy holidays and good cheer
making me suitable 
   as santa claus and his team of rein deer
chewing gum to avoid 

   popping in both left and right ear
yet the rickety sleigh 
   may not become air borne I fear
landing ungracefully 
   scattering presents and gear

if wooden contraption alights, 
   a horrendous crash many will hear
no doubt instigating 
   children and adults to jeer

comparing this jolly fellow to king lear
yet running for the hills 
   as this mad man gets considerably near
the madding crowd, 

   who expected a more 
   healthy saint nick to a pear
with healthy physique 
   instead of the trademark outsize rear

which cause for observers 
   to guffaw and sneer
whereby my trademark suit 
   will seemingly tear

and reveal that this clown 
   wears frilly under wear
prompting me to avoid 
   accepting this role for next year.