Leave me on the shelf!

Every night you'll find me sat upon me lazy arse', going thru' me datin' sites 'case 'sum bloke's made a pass.

On occasion lady lucks kicks in 'n brings fruition by sendin' me a dodgy saddo on a proper mission.

E'armony was defo' worst at pickin' mister right, I reckons' theys' illiterate, n' deaf, n' 'ave no sight!

'Sum right 'ol oddball specimins 'em pillocks sent me way! One poor chav was int inp imo, he couldn't rise to play.....

'Anuvva was a ravin' alkie, 'ad to take these pills, it meant he too was useless when it 'cum to fun n 'frills!

Neva' one to give in easy, 'ad a few more goes, but changed it so as it was me decided who I chose.

Him as 'wot I met wiv' next, blimey 'wot a bore! As 'is dronin' prattled on I pegged it out the door!

Then there's 'im 'wot bought 'is pants! Expecting he could stay! Let's jus' say he weren't so cocky when he drove away....

I 'fink that's when I knew i'd rather stay, left on the shelf, 'cos satisfaction's guaranteed by doin' it 'meself!