Poem -

Looking back

Looking back

This. Poem is dedicated to Cappblanks. Hypocrite not.

I sit here so often late at night
Looking back at years gone by you see
Decisions and memories so many
Painting as it sets my mind free

From the very beginning it was hard
Not a childhood you'd relish to share
Terrified of a man, pure evil
A man never able to care

Ruled day after day by terror
No let up from violence and fear
A childhood dominated by alcohol
And a father who drank too much beer

Listening at night as he beat her
Too scared to breathe or even look
Holding onto each other tightly
Hour after hour it took

Never daring to cry, frozen like ice
Praying for the punches to stop
A silence two children learned quickly
For if they cried a beating they got

Childhood memories overcast by the dark
Coloured by an indescribable foe
Memories locked away in my mind
Where even my subconscious dare not go

13 years night after night of suffering
Then that fateful night occurred
I stood in front of my father
To protect him? Don't be absurd

With a knife in her hand and murder her intent
The last beating had been one too much
But it wasn't him I was protecting
As I knew me she would not touch

I had to protect my mother
And stop her from an act she'd regret
For a sentence she'd face for certain
If at her hands his ending he met

Homeless for months
Walking the streets were we
But our minds were at peace
We were happy and free

I'm not saying it was easy
Life back then was so very tough
But we always had each other
And somehow this was enough

Soon into adults we grew
With families of our own
Many ups and downs we faced
Any adversity soon overthrown

But I know they're still there
In the back of my mind
Nightmare from my childhood
That I hope never to find

There's only one person left now
Who suffered long ago like me
Who is always there when I need him
He is my brother you see

And no amount of distance
Or miles of roads between us
Will ever be too far or to many
To stop that closeness because

Once a long time long ago
In the darkest of nights
We held onto each other
To overcome terror and fright

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How long have you worked or volunteered in the mental health industry? 

What courses or education did you take or recieve to get your position in such a career? 

rather sad story. 

I just realized I made a mistake in wording. The word I was looking for was bigot not hypocrite. Apologies.

Interesting also that you claimed ignorance to the inspiration to this poem and gave a perfect example to the meaning of hypocrite. That would make you a hypocrite.


L. Barto

Just who the f@ck is Cappblanks? My Spidey Senses say... MORON.



hi mandy .. you told the story very well... sad and heartbreaking thing to go through .. such a sad story . well done for writing this out... many people go through hell in their childhoods, some worse then others... and it definately can have a huge impact on us into future years

Mandy Hoy

Thank you Charlotte, I found by writing about it,  somehow it gets it out of my head. That's why I originally started writing just sort of made sense of things. I never thought anyone else would find them interesting. So I appreciate your kind words.

it was a terrible time and it was put right at the back of my mind until I was diagnosed with Parkinson's and told early onset Parkinson's is now being connected to a traumatic childhood.......... so I realised,  i never really escaped at all! 


i am sorry to hear of this .. its a sad thing when childhood impacts so much into later years

i know its not the same thing but i myself have been through a hard childhood .. .namely emotional neglect sadly it impacted me for many years i am now 33 , since being a child i have felt wrong and have had extra trauma in adulthood .
i never had much self esteem when younger , never accepted myself enoigh didn't know how to and always thought there was something wrong with me as a person . only now am i trying to do trauma therapy and trying my best to learn to love myself more and heal

sorry to hear of the impact this has had on you , i can relate in a way. take care x

Mandy Hoy

Thank you. I had confidence issues for many years to and then I got a job as a carer in the community and loved it, I learnt to drive and was asked to stand in for a senior for a week, just to cover. I remained in the post until I became manager and that took me to assessing and putting in care packages. But had I remained a carer I would have been just as happy.  It's my 21st year and I have loved every single day. The only time I have had off was when I lost my mum and husband, even with my illnesses I have not had 1 days sick. 
I hope the trauma therapy works for you xxx 

L. Barto

Thanks, Bro...it's a nice write Mandy put up here ... nothing to be scrutinized for.



Yes true I was like WTF.  Don’t scrutinize ones journey


Hello Mandy...

Thank you for the wonderful things you've done and continue to do...

Thank you for sharing your journey...



Rosina Quigley

takes me back to my childhood similar to u great poem x

Mandy Hoy

Thanks Rosina, you to have seen a lot of pain. Your poems are amazing