Death looming

18/07/2020
Death

Death has loomed over me for so long now,
I’ve accepted my fate,
No longer does it plague my mind.
No more worrying,
 and looking ahead blind.
But I am scared of the wake of destruction,
I’m sure to leave behind.
How it will affect my 3 boys,
Family and friends.
That’s what I’m fearful of,
If sorrow,
 is all that is found.
I can see the burden I am for many already,
So what about,
When I’m 6ft under the ground.

I’ve always been the black sheep of the family,
Anything and everything that happens to me,
Is purely and simply,
 a rarity of spokesman 
I’m sure people think I’m a hypochondriac at times,
But I can’t  help it when I awake not here and all bitty,
From a insomnia filled night,
 and all day,
I’ve different pains and feeling shitty.
In multiple ways,
All over my body.
Inside my brain.
Some scars you see.
Some you don’t.
But both make you feel,
Equally insane.
Some are shallow,
Whereas others are deep.
Each from different problems and disease,
Making it damn hard,
At night,
 to sleep. 
Mental scars are the worst though,
As they don’t pink over,
They don’t,
Overtime,
Mostly disappear.
As they linger in your mind,
No matter how hard you try to hide them,
They will always be there,
At some point in your life,
For your brain to seek and To find.

I’ve been in limbo now,
Since the millennium, 
I’m Kind of blessed that I didn’t know,
And let it ruin my teens,
And into a man to grow.
I struggled through my chemo/radiotherapy at 19,
And don’t think I’d have had the will power I have now,
Had I found out at just 15.
I got to live a little,
Before my treatment,
So to that I thank you fate eternally.
It’s been a rough journey,
Staring death in the face,
At 15,
Would have been even harder for my family and me.
That’s why I’m not scared of death,
Just the pain I’ll leave behind for my kids,
My Friends and most definitely,
My family!

After my chemo,
There was death within me,
As the radiation,
 killed off all of my sperm,
Seemingly.
So you can see why my 3 kids are my miracles,
Standing by my side.
Stolidy.
Although they’ve had a good life,
I still feel bad,
For the life they should’ve had.
Without all this pain and anguish,
That will continue,
 eternally.
But it’s thoughts like those that go into the deepest darkest depths Of my mind continually.
To try and not let those thoughts fester,
 and grow their roots further into me.
There’s no way of sorting the good from the bad,
As I’m like an impossible puzzle,
The more you try,
The more it makes you all wound up and mad. 
I’ve so many things wrong with me,
I’ve been defected and needing a refund on my life,
 since the tender age,
 of just 15. 
I had pain then,
But never did I ever,
At that age in my.life,
Think I could have had cancer.
I’m damn gutted,
As I was turning into a kitchen dancer.
climbing the cheffing the ladder,
And loving the kitchen smells and banter.
But my body wouldn’t let me,
Because of this damn cancer!