Lost in The Shadows

The first time I seen you I loved you, the first time I felt you, I
knew you. I spent many years of my life looking for the most pure love
that I had only dreamed of and read about in books.  I was a child
wanting you to hold me close and love me.  I gave you the key to my
happiness, even as an unborn child. I did need you more than you needed
me. I wish my life had been different, more like a fairytale. Your
shoulders were full from birth. I was fragile and easily broken. I
needed you to cure me of all my shame and guilt left behind from my
missing life. You are right, everything you said about me out of rage
and even sadness, you feeling like you needed to take care of me. !t was
all true! I’m sorry that I robbed you, and that I was needy. I needed
to realize that my scars were too imbedded for even you to heal. If
anyone could of, it was you. You are the only one that makes me weak and
if anyone has my favor, It’s you.

You may have felt your life had
revolved around mine, but every breath I took, everything I knew, all
that I wanted to be, you inspired.  Yes, I did want you to love me, but I
loved you more than life. No one knew, but when I look at you I see my
life and all it is and all it can be. I know you are not a prefect
creature even though in my eyes you are. Life is sitting back waiting to
see what you do next. Your life has a purpose. I don’t know what it is,
but I knew it from the day you were born. That is why I have treasured
you so much. Your life is valuable; you are supposed to do great things.
OK, college isn't your thing right now.  I told you all I could about
how to get you to an end result that would be desirable, not by the
world, but by you.

If I failed in some way, I am so sorry. I love
you so much and you are the last person I wanted to screw up. Believe me
when I tell you, your purpose is beyond me and only you hold your
fate.  Nothing I can or could have done will change the path god has
planned for your life. Don’t let my faults and my inexperience's throw
you off, your stronger than that, your stronger than me. I messed up!
Why do you think I don’t trust anyone or why I can’t let anyone in, or
anyone go. The pain of loss is severe and brutal. Do what you were meant
to do, not because I want you to, not because you feel you should, but
because you were meant for it. CHANGE YOUR STARS, HELP CHANGE OTHERS TO.
It’s your destiny, it was yours from birth. The reason why you feel
different is because you have always been different. If you can do
something nice for someone, or you have the power to inspire, then it
becomes more then a choice, it becomes your responsibility.

I will
always love you more than anyone that walks this earth, but you’re
right, sadly, I have to watch you fall and even suffer to learn. It’s
just so hard to see my own flesh and blood, the one person that I hold
the dearest to my heart hurt for any amount of time, even if it is for
necessary growth.

You have always been the man in my life, the one
I trusted, the one I compared others to, because I raised you to be the
kind of man that I envisioned as perfect. Although many have come in
and out of my life, I have always loved you more. To this day you are
the only man I ever truly loved, because I never looked at anyone the
way I did you the moment you entered this world. 

It
may appear as if I love you too much or favor you to high, but you and I
have always been different, we shared a unique relationship. I grew up
with you, you helped me raise the girls, go through hard times, you seen
me go through the turbulence and tears of adolescence, you know me
better then any and you were always there when I needed you. I never
knew how much you did or how much I didn't appreciate you until you were
gone. Just the stuff that seemed simple, but yet so impact full. Taking
groceries out of my hands, never seeing me struggle without lending a
hand. You were a good son, even though my need for greater, better, and
even perfect, may have made you feel inadequate, you are always in my
heart and I am proud of you. You may not be everything I hoped for, but
you are everything I'm proud of. I know you grew up thinking that
everything that went wrong in my life was your fault, just by your pure
existence. As a self kid the situation left me feeling robbed of my
birth right, which was to be a kid. It wasn't you that lead my life
astray. You saved me! I am who I am because of you. The thought of my
child being more than I, got me out of bed everyday, pushing me to be
more than what I was. You were my inspiration. I don't want the feelings
I may have projected on to you when I was a child to be what your left
with. You are not what went wrong in my life, you are what went right.

To my son

Amber Broide

As a teen mother