Love, but I want to hate you

Love,
Such a crazy word. A word with so much meaning. A word that can make you ignore everything in sight. When you fall in love, it can make you do crazy things. Love can blind you from all the red flags someone has. It can hide all the bad things someone does without you noticing. I fell in love with you, not because of the way you look, but the way you looked at me. You made me feel like I was the only girl in the universe. I didn’t fall in love with you because I needed you, or that I wanted someone there to receive all the love I could give. You made me feel so happy and content with my life. You made it feel as though all my problems had just drifted away. Falling in love with you made me feel complete, making me think that we could turn something that little into something more. You showed me what it felt like to be loved and cared for. To put everything, you have into someone without feeling guilty or having regrets. You made me feel like a princess. You had me wrapped around your finger for months without me realizing. Our love was like a movie. Making inside jokes. Binge watching movies together. Laughing at every dumb joke. Listening to music blaring while driving down the highway. You smiling at me every time I made a stupid face. You helped me through every little inconvenience I went through, telling me that everything would be okay, and that it was just a little bump in the road. I never thought I would feel this type of love. A type of love you only see in the movies. You made this of a world have colour in it again. Making every gray day have some light in it. I miss the way you used to kiss all my insecurities, making me feel like they didn’t matter. How you cared about my family. How you treated my little sister as your own. I will always remember the place where you first kissed me. The same place as where you asked me to be your girlfriend. I will always remember the first day you told me that you loved me and how you wanted to spend every second with me. I never realized that you were falling out of love with me. You acted the same until the day you left. You still treated me with respect until that day. You didn’t have enough respect for me to leave me in person. You were distant and brushed me off all day until you said those words. Words I never thought I’d hear leave your mouth. The words were just thrown at me. You fell out of love with me, while you were still in love with me. One of the hardest things I have ever had to hear from the person I loved most. Those words wrecked me. Putting me in the darkest place for a long time. Making me feel as though I’ll never be loved again. When you left, days felt like months, and months felt like years. Things felt like they would never get better, that things would never change. I started hanging out with old friends and reconnecting with them, once I started feeling better. They made me realize that I don’t need anyone to make me feel happy or feel good about myself. Knowing that I don’t need to do anything for anyone but myself. As I have been taking care of myself, I have noticed all the little details about myself that I’ve never seen before. I don’t need to depend on anyone to make me feel complete. I don’t have to be with someone to make me feel not lonely. I think that learning to be by myself was one of the hardest things to do. Not spending everyday with you or talking to you every day. There have been so many times where I have just wanted to text to check in, but I knew if I did, I would never get over you. Love is such a difficult thing. Every star in the sky, every little pebble on the floor, it’s you. It has always been you and I never thought about that until now. But it has never been me. Has it? You went from girl to girl trying to decide who you wanted. But you always came back. Didn’t you? You came back to me after every girl. Making me think that I was the one for you. But I’m not, and you made that very clear. I have never been the one for you. I was always just the backup plan. The one that you can rely on to always be there no matter what. You still can’t seem to let go of me. Holding on with such a tight grip but pushing me away at the same time. But you made it seem okay. I didn’t know what normal a normal relationship felt like, so this felt normal. You leaving, then coming back. You said you wanted to be friends. Some days, you treat me like I’m your best friend. Others you completely ignore me like I don’t exist. While some days you act like you want me back. Why can’t you just decide. Why is this so hard for you. You make it seem like I’ve done something wrong. So, if you still love me like you say you do. Please. Please. Just let me go. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep seeing you every day and having to act like we are just friends who haven’t fallen in love. The thing I’m really questioning is “do I really love you” and I never know what the answer is. Most of the time the answer is no because of what you did. But that would be a lie. I want to hate you for what you did, but I can’t. I can’t hate you as much as I try to, because I still love you.