Maintain

I close my eyes to stay my breathing, slowing my thoughts keeping the demons from feeding.

The walls that stand are beginning to fall, fighting to hide what's been caged from all.

Memories of my childhood I try to find, solutions I seek left so far behind.

My eyes are closed, still I see, a little child that once once was me.

No innocence, morals, sorrow, regret. Just a godless imagination for his pet.

      Well loved by the parents, raised to respect, lost in a mind not knowing what to expect.

Life flashes before my eyes, no memories I see,

I cannot find the thoughts that once were part of me.

What was I thinking, why must I act this way.

So evil, so perverted, things I do, things I say.

    If I find them thoughts will I come undone, will it break through the walls, come unspun.

Further in time, forward I go.

What I hide, buries my soul.

Pushing it back, for fear, all might see.

Or maybe I fear demons devouring me.

Maturity arrives, at least sign come and go.

Still this evil, so deeply continues to flow.

    Made things right in my scared little world,

hiding wrong for love, unchaining my secrets for the Lord.

Trust in him, now I know.

Answer to my pain, the evil in my soul.

Reluctant still.

It's been so long.

No way I can control the darkness, if my pastors wrong.

   No hot or cold, no almost there.

No more Mr nice guy,,,,I should not fear.

Only bare witness to what fate wrote for me,

Serving the evil, as it was meant to be.