Mastering

Despite the many distractions I make for myself,
                               My thoughts seem to always shift to you.
I've tried having boyfriends,
              Hoping they would fill the space
                                        I unknowingly reserved for you.
      It doesn't work. 

I tell myself I'm not worthy of you.
                     I'm too ugly,
                         Too dumb,
                            Too unfeeling,
                                  Disgusting.
             Hoping that these self-put downs,
                     Will lead me away from these unsatisfied feelings.
   But it doesn't work. 

I tell myself that we can never be more than
                                                      Just friends.
   Because anything that is more than friends,
                                     Will just end in in tragedy.

Still,
   None of this satisfies.
        When I'm around you,
               I stand amazed at the energy you bring
                              When you are explaining that new song of yours.
Your smile,
       The sparkle in your eyes,
                            And the way you speak with such
                                                    Enthusiasm.
                                     I want to make you feel like that.

   Take me into your hands,
                     And make me one of your songs.
Tweak and adjust me,
      So I become that perfect sound you are looking for.