Missing a Link

I really do think
I am missing a link.
That instinct of self-preservation
Seems to cause me exasperation
With myself,
For I have never known its whisper.

Most can hardly stand to hold their heads
Underwater to be drowned to death
All by themselves.
They fall back, and instincts scream
With fury
Until their lungs feel the air.

My problem is something else entirely.
I am that freak, that direly
Desperate being who struggles
To give their lungs
The air they need
To breathe.

I see the endless looping thoughts
In my defective brain.
They leave a murky, ugly stain
On my mind, on my brain,
But when will they ever go away?
Not in my mind, not in my brain.

The daily struggles of normal lives
Do not need to fear the strangle-hold
Of Death, in every breath
They take.
I need to watch with eagle-eyes
Forever my life, my every step.