Misunderstood

I never got what I wanted.

I was born language delayed; for those who don’t know what it means, it means I couldn’t pronounce my words properly so it just came out as gibberish. Having a twin and older sister made it even worse. They got what the wanted while I didn’t.

Teachers looked at me as if I was insane.

I didn’t know what was going on.  I would often end up in the principle office. Why? I wish I could tell you.

Everyone was against me it got to a point I was against myself.

I was five when my mom told me to take a pill. Of course at that time I was confused and before I could say anything my mom demanded me to take it.

Yelling came a common tone, a sad and angry face was often worn upon my face. Anxiety overcame me as if it was in my blood.

It wasn’t until second grade when I was told by a kid that these two 3rd grade boys were going to beat me up at lunch. I was standing in the line taken by anxiety. I lightly patted the boy in front of me. The teachers acted as if I was John Cena and full on attacked him.

Once again I ended up in the Principle office. They called my mom. My mom came and took me home. she radiated with fury.

A month later my mom and advocator finally found a new school for me. I was thrown into another sped class. For the next couple years I was thrown from sped class to another.

It wasn’t until 5th grade I discovered I had ADHD through a youtube video. I went to my mom and asked if I had it she told me and we got into an augment “why did you never tell me.” I said.

As I unraveled one uncertainty I knew that there was so much more unknown my mom was hiding from me.

It wasn’t until high school when I found a school that met my needs and I could be understood and be myself. I started making friends and they kept increasing through out the years. To this day I have a lot of friends who are like family to me. I have lost some throughout the years but, I gained more than I lost.

I figured out I had depression, severe anxiety, a language based disability, and non-verbal.

Even though things came together in High School, I adapted some bad habits.

I got introduced to self harm freshmen year by some “friends” and started acting on it. It progressed through the years.

Sophomore year I was addicted to self harm.

My parents found out about it and a lot of stuff I hold back when I was younger came out too.

Sophomore year was also the year I started smoking and junior year  was when I started drinking. I liked it a lot. It got me away from the bullshit. Over the years I started using it as a solution to my problems. Senior year especially. Which ended me up into hospitalization.

I thought I was cool if I did that stuff and I fit in for once. I have grown up around it and a lot of my friends did it.

But mixing it with my depression and anxiety as well with my meds was the worse I could do. 

Even though me being hospitalized is a tragic thing, I made some wonderful friends who today are some of my best friends.

I am now hospital free for about a year now and have a much healthier mindset.

Never give up on yourself even if you feel like it’s the only option it isn’t.

I know from experience.