Musings

Written Nov. 88, when I was 17

Sometimes it seems so senseless. I mean, I find myself running in circles. I know that there is meaning to my madness (at least I believe there is), but too often I find myself doubting and compromising my beliefs. What exactly is it to have “faith?” Do people really care? Does it work forward to some eternal goal, or is it the futile attempt to make our pathetic life count for something on Earth? What about the longing in our innermost? Is it from “God,” or a manmade desire to be something we know that we can never obtain? The great void of mankind is better known as greed.

Did Jesus really save me, or am I living in the realm of fantasy that my mind has made up? Is my life really changed; or am I fooled until the day of judgment not sealed until redemption? Are we all fooled and living in a mere thought of someone else’s mind who, for an instant, dwelled upon the concept of humanity and then gave it up as ridiculous. Or does the path of life lead to the next plain of “reality” – where white is black and there is no gray? When the universe is turned inside out, will the world fall out or get sucked in?

Are we mere players in the “game of life,” or are we expendable pawns in a much higher game? If pawns, then are we born dying, or do we die to live? What happens if we refuse to play, or can we? Is there a force that controls the world that knew eons ago what I would do, or is it really my choice? I mean, am I free or bound to the invisible chains of human destiny? The question remains.

What is death? Is it merely the means to the ultimate end? Will I die some day to find that there is no God and return by the power of my own frustration to tell the world? Have we ever lived before? If so, who am I? Does my life revolve around a small thread of time interwoven with eternity past and eternity future? What am I in the shadow of forever? Do the gods even care?