my brain does this thing

my brain does this thing

it enjoys torturing me at 2 am

i swear.

overthinking.

the questions begin.

“why are my thighs touching”

“how much money should i be making”

“why did he leave me when he claimed he loved me”

“where should i go to school”

“is education even important?

because in today’s society

nobody cares unless you’re skinny and your boobs are showing”

“when should i lose my virginity

because he wants to get with me

and im trying to defend my femininity 

but honestly i just want to feel pretty”

“what is religion

is there even a god

or has humanity created this false hope as a way to cope with our depressing thoughts”

“why am i so tired”

oh thats right

because i do this to myself

because my anxiety

is shoving me

over this cliff that ive been dangling from the past six years

and nobody can do anything

and it can’t be controlled

its just this constant interrogation with myself

about why im screwing up so badly

and how many calories are in the three bites of broccoli i just ate

and why did i stutter when that cute guy took my order

and why am i not smarter

or prettier

or richer

or thinner

and why did he act like i was his everything and then leave so suddenly

was it because i was too clingy?

or too insecure?

or maybe i just wasn’t as good as her.

but while you are out trying to figure out your world let me tell you that you were mine

and now my world has collapsed in on itself and somehow i have to rebuild it

even though the foundation that i built it on decided to leave

because it was too serious

and he just wasn’t ready

supposedly

honestly

i could keep going

but this notebook would be overflowing

and as my hand is cramping from writing im realizing

you’re just not worth the paper.

but now its 5 in the morning

and i have to be to work soon

i wasn’t exaggerating when i said

the hours of sleep i get are two.

the sad part is

i haven’t even covered half the shit im going through.