my first and last everything 2/2

1.
Having to use
the past tense regarding you
might just be more painful
than when you said it was over,
or when I woke up the next day
and it wasn't a bad dream
after all.
Having to admit you and I failed
at what we promised each other
over and over,
first with kisses
and later a ring,
is something I can't let myself face.
I suspect I will grieve our future,
our wedding,
our children,
and our eternity for a long,
long time.

2.
I would be lying
if I said I wasn't angry.
(I call God
into the interrogation room
yet again,
and he still doesn't give me
the answers I need)
(so go sing your praises
and tell yourself
he can love you better
than I can).
You told me we'd make it,
you told me you'd never let us fall
apart,
and you had me convinced
that I didn't have to look anymore.
I thought I found
what I've been searching for
since I was a little girl,
what I've broken myself over countless times
trying to find and hold onto.
I don't know God personally,
but I can promise you
he would be handling the loss
of you
much better than I ever will.
My heart will never be ready. 

3.
Part of the great man you've grown
to be
was built on my back
(I always did say I would carry you
when you couldn't walk
on your own),
and part of me wishes
I let you hit the ground
when you fell.
See if it tastes as bitter
in your mouth as it did in mine.
You taste heartbreak
and ask yourself again
why I spat disgust back at you
in the days following your
departure.
I do think part of you
jumped that day,
but you took my soul with you
(and the worst parts of me
pray you carry that
on your shoulders like Atlas).

4.
I hope you see me
in every pair of brown eyes 
you come across,
and feel me
the next time someone
kisses your lips.
I hope you taste me
when you give in
to your primal side again,
and I hope you hear me
in every "I love you" you catch.
I hope I haunt you
(vengeance loves company,
but you knew that already).

5.
All I wanted
was to give you the happiness
you deserved all this time,
the kind that seemed to evade you.
I wanted to give you my forever,
and I still do,
not that it matters.
I wanted you
to have every single piece
of happy ever after
until you didn't want it anymore,
and I suppose I almost accomplished that.

6.
It seems since you left,
the whole world has gone up
in flames.
Love,
hope,
faith,
and the warmth from the fire 
only go so far nowadays,
but we didn't start the fire-
you did.
The rest of us
just get to watch it burn
(and I watch us burn with it).

7.
It started with us,
many lives ago,
and it ended with you.