NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I feel I'm walking blinded almost living in the a dream , some times I wanna give up some times I wanna scream . 
But why I ask myself each day , why is it that I'm here . 
Am I happy with the way things are or holding back threw fear .
What sort of father am I or husband could I be , when I just make excuses and think of only me . 
My child deserves a father and  a better one than this  , why can't I turn the time back to when I wasn't weak as piss  . 
My wife can hardly smile , I see how much she tries , But I know that I'm the reason for every time she cries . 
Before all this took over and I let it rule my life , i was Decent father and had a happy wife .
 This isn't how I planned my it all I wanted so much more , like a future for my loved ones who instead I just ignore . 
 I need to find our future , our smiles and our joy , Before i lose my angel my best friend and my boy .