Ocean of Grief

I can feel my emotions ebb and flow like the ocean,
The crashing grief and swells of pride,
Back and forth like the unforgiving tide.

The current pulls me down and im trying not to drown,
On my tears,
My fears,
The weight on my chest.
Not living but surviving is what I do best.

My head breaks the surface and I take a deep breath, 
I sigh in relief or maybe regret,
I know im not ready to die just yet,
I'll keep treading water and breathe and exist,
And when the waves try again I will attempt to resist,
The promise of numbness, the absence of pain, 
The sweet silence at the sea bed,
The longing I have to be blessedly dead.