Pain and Self

In the midst of a Christmas holiday season
When most people have family to see to 
Children and their gifts, cookies to be baked
Trees to be trimmed.
I am alone in a sea of human frenzy.
In an ocean of emotion I cannot access
I want to run and hide from it
If it catches me it will try and suck me up into it
I am distanced in my grief and pain
I hold onto them like weapons
Like armor like a shield
They keep me alive
I do not want a warm fuzzy over middle aged man
rubbing my arm or attempting banal chit chat
I am alone 
I shall stay alone
I am a protest to the unfairness of death
I am a raging anger that lashes out at darkness
Not wanting to relent to my loss 
My failure to save him
To save me.
I am a war torn fortress and nothing more