Poem -

Pain Level 8

My life is a roller coaster with no attendant to hit the stop button in case of emergency. Some days I just roll along without much excitement and some days Iā€™m a 4 year old screaming ā€œoh shitā€ as I plummet off a cliff. Cross your fingers that it stays on the tracks.Ā 

One day I got sick and I never got better. My body was silently plotting against me from the day I was born. My blood vessels are a red climbing rose wrapped around my trellis of cranial nerves. The thorns have worn through the finish and the vine is wrapped a bit too tightly in places. Nobody prepares you for this. I have a lifetime of getting better under my belt. I know how to do that. This? I donā€™t know how to do this. Thereā€™s no handbook for telling the doctor there arenā€™t enough lines to list your medications. Or for finding the pre-surgery checklist routine. They donā€™t give you a box to put your guilt in when you spend another week doing nothing but laying in bed, because taking a shower on Tuesday took every ounce of energy you had. And if weā€™re being honest you sat down and cried during that shower when nobody could see you because itā€™s the only time you are truly alone these days and you donā€™t want anyone to know that itā€™s still that bad.Ā 

Being friends with me takes more work but itā€™s worth it. Iā€™m the kind of friend who can blow smiles out of smoke rings and affix them to every face in the room. I only wear dresses with pockets so I can pull favors out for my friends. My ears are iPhones that will listen all night while you talk about the boyfriend you should have dumped months ago. Iā€™ll develop a stutter to tell you everyday you are worth it if thatā€™s what it takes to get you to believe it.Ā 
My veins pump Sodium Pentothal so I will always tell you the truth. My fingers are wands and I can make magic appear in your texts. The catch is, you will have to accept bits and pieces of me. Iā€™ve been ripped apart and Iā€™m only strong enough to hold the pieces together all at once occasionally. Iā€™m a thing best admired from afar.Ā 

Pain is liquid and it washes over me every single day of my life. ā€œBaseball bat wrapped in electrified barbed wire repeatedly beating me in the cheek,ā€ ā€œice pick to my eye,ā€ ā€œhot knife sliding into my ear and poking my eardrum;ā€ these are just some of the words I assign to something nobody else will fully understand. I beg for mercy and big pharma answers. I say yes when Iā€™m asked if there is relief but that is a lie. There is never relief. The fear of drowning never goes away.Ā 

Alone.Ā 

Sick me swallowed healthy me whole. Prescription meds and a brain surgery were all I needed for a stomach large enough to hold her. Maybe she was too skinny. Iā€™m definitely too fat. This cruel disease forces a choice: skinny and in pain or fat and in less pain. Vanity be damned whatever it takes to ease the pain. Skinny me is still screaming inside like a prisoner of war. I wonder how long until she gives up?

Ā 

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Comments

author
Tony Taylor

Hi HEATHER!!..... when I first got on COSMO I was bed ridden and in a lot of pain.....I now (6 years later)Ā have a spinal cord simulator implanted on my spine to help me walk... I still have a lot of pain..... but... I met my wife here on Cosmo..... doctors told me I'd never walk again...... Love finds a way!!......I am SO sorry to hear your story... I can TOTALLY relate!!.....I think writing will help you in some small way and I pray that you find a way to cope with it all and find some kind of life for yourself..... you're a good writer and I look forward to reading more from you!!..... In spite of your pain and your situation you found a way to convey this difficult scenario you're facing...... proud to meet you dear poet sister!!.... and....WELCOME to COSMO!!......LOVE and ROCKETS!!......T xo ā¤āœ“?

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author
Terry Kay

Dearest Heather,Ā  I feel for you and what your going through.Ā  I have been I'll for a long time, spending about 5 yrs. In bed the last 15.Ā  Try to hang on tight...Cosmo helped me a lot for all I could do was write.Ā  My heart goes out to you!Ā  Hey, I think we may be almost neighbors.Ā  I live in Conroe....Are you in The Woodlands, Texas?Ā  Welcome to Cosmo....Give yourself a hug from me...
Ā 

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