Perfectly Imperfect

Remember that time?

When we swore we were perfect

Ironically in love with each other’s imperfections

Barely leaving any space between us to take in the recollections.

Couldn’t even sit on opposite sides of the room without constant glances from the corners of our eyes

A chuckle every time we caught each other by surprise

Remember that time?

You were too scared to ask my name

But it was me who was craving for love

It was me who was really in pain.

You just wanted someone to feel it like you felt it

You just wanted someone to tell you you’re not alone

You just wanted someone to listen without embarrassing yourself in front of your boys

You wanted someone to tell you young love was more than just this metaphorical rough draft full of typos and crossed out lines in red pen

And I was there

Every day in the midst of leather boots and itchy turtlenecks

Every day I held my breath to block out the stench of the tight leather leggings on too thick girls and oversized tee shirts on too buff guys

Just to see you

And you came everyday

Just to see me

So I could intertwine my fingers in your thick curly hair and feel your head rest on my shoulder because your physical body fought the urge of fatigue

And I didn’t mind

Just to see that smile that sent my heart racing in a 5K down a 15 yard hallway

Towards our departure

But we were purposely late

And every night I would stay up with my head on my books

No, not in

ON my books for support when my arm got tired on the phone

And every night you tiptoed with your worn out chucks into my dreams with an insidious plan to steal my heart and leave

And I let you

I finally let you

And I scribbled your name a million times in the same page of my diary

Hoping to erase from my memory the pathetic attempt for someone to remember me

Scratching out the stupid love letters to boys who never noticed me

Who were written over and over again hoping if I used words like “what’s up?” instead of “how are you” maybe they would think more of me

Past my short hair and my tight lips

Past the skinny waist and the small hips

Please

I’m so foolish

And I thought this was my time to feel like young love was more than just an overdramatic chic flick movie scene that I dragged you into because I helped you get your job

You owed me one

And I thought you would take off your mask of regret that fit your skin tone perfectly and we could burn away the past together with your lighter on the train tracks because we simply didn’t care

I didn’t care

You had my heart now

And you held on so tight

But your sweater feels like a strait jacket now because I want to take it off but I can’t take it off

I want to let this go

But I can’t let it go

I’m sorry my palms got sweaty when you reached for my hand to show the world what I meant to you

I’m sorry you could hear the not so soft sound of my heart beat when we our lips attached out of pure habit

I’m sorry if this was all a game to you

And I’m just the buzz kill who has to play by the rules

You were my smile

Now I have to force it so my teachers don’t call the police on mom and dad

You were my heart

But now it’s cloaked my lungs in deep scarlet and I can’t breathe

It’s penetrated so deep and with every step I hear a squishing sound like it’s dripped to the floor and I’m walking in my own shame

You were my hope

That time could heal the pain even though scars never fade but who cares?

You were my dream

And now you’re just a beautiful nightmare

Coming to steal my heart

Creeping into the night but you know I’m a light sleeper

You’re coming to take it all back like you never left

You’re coming to woo me half-asleep because she doesn’t listen

She doesn’t understand like I understand

She’s never felt what we’ve felt

She’s never seen what we’ve seen

She’ll never love you like I love you

…

You’re coming back to steal my heart

But I won’t let you.