Personality Disorder

People come and go she said to me
but why do they go because I cant see?!
I rationalise thoughts as dark as can be
and pray for days with normality.
When you say a time, that cant be moved
because changing my schedule leaves me confused
I pick at the worst things and think all day
yet sit there and smile and will not say
my broken heart, my troubled soul
my empty feeling of never being whole.
My brightest days and darkest nights
the racing heart and sickness frights.
My palms are sweaty
I shake again
take deep breaths and count to ten.
The fear of lonely hits me now
I hate my own thoughts and always somehow
settle for second with no real reason why
and love his attention for that I would buy.
Today I am rock star the best I can be
tomorrow I'm nothing and completely empty.
Home is where the heart is and happiness is free
but debt is a problem and I'm bad with money.
You don't understand why I look so sad?
But neither do I and it makes me mad!
A heart of gold and love to offer
a vulnerable soul whom seems to suffer.
One night alone will cost me a day
laying in bed allowing memories to replay
Thinking the worst and observing the mirror
Looking at me sends me to shivers.
Some say I'm smart and a bright girl you know
but others think I'm crazy and put on a show.
On days when its bad and everything's wrong
I play my faviroute music, to you I belong.
I fantasise on everything big or small
I smother my passions and build a brick wall
until I get bored and find something new
I'd love you to walk a mile in my shoes
Personality disorder the doctors have said
do they know what it feels like to imagine yourself dead?
A place in the world for me and my soul
somewhere for me to be big and roll
along with the world and time itself
somewhere to feel free and be my true self.