Pondering upon my life

15/05/2022
Pondering upon my life...

As I sit here and ponder,
Upon my life.
I wonder how,
I’m still alive.
I can’t help but think,
How do I survive.
I must be a sphinx,
I’ve used that many lives.
Not like a cat,
With their glistening eyes.
And only lives of 9!
The more in life I strive.
All I get back,
Is nothing but added strife.
I’ve finally found the perfect woman,
 to be my loving wife.
Compared to the rest of my world,
Seemingly taking a nose dive.
It all started in the year 2000,
But only knew from 2005.
About my killer cancer,
All on my insides.

Why can’t I just live normally?
Why is my cancer treated so formally?
What I’d give for immortality.
Instead of my screwed up body.
And it’s frailty.
Why can’t I be illness free?
Why?
Why not me?

My life is like that film,
The Final destination.
I’ve skipped death so many times now.
That’s why I believe,
I’m to live a life of pain and of un-justifications.
To go on Unknowing,
 of about half,
my bodies pain explanations.
If we had mini-me workers,
Mine would be lined up,
At every one,
 of my bodies stations.
Left to live and feel,
Forever shunned.
Always under someone’s eye.
For their own observation.
My mini me workers,
With me as their creation.

Seriously though,
Are our lives meant to play out,
 like a movie or show?
As mine is as dramatic.
Sometimes high.
Sometimes low.
There’s so much to tell about,
And more to follow.
Then there’s the real me,
No feeling of sorrow.
Leading the simple life for 15 years.
Since then,
I’ve been on time,
 I’ve borrowed.
I can’t pay it back,
As my time bank is hollow.
I live every single day,
Not expecting,
 a new tomorrow.
A new direction.
A whole new flow.
Instead,
Eternally,
Every night,
I Dream of it so.

I can’t but still think,
No matter how hard I try.
Why does it have to be me?
Why do I have to suffer and die.
Why can’t it be a paedophile,
Or some other disgusting type,
of woman or guy.
Please give the reason its me.
Struggling to stay alive?
Why?
Why do I have this nightmare of a killer disease?
Why?
Why can’t I move forward and strive.
Why can’t we all,
Just exult my life?
Well we can if ever it’s over,
As I’m trying my best,
To overcome my strife.
It’s whisker to whisker so far,
In this rat race for life!