Really by 34?

Really? By 34!?

Really?
By 34!?
How can one man have so much suffering,
already in my lifetimes store?
Since I was 15,
Fighting my cancer,
Is where I’ve been.
Unknowingly to me,
Cannabis was slowing the cancers growth and everything.
It took till I was 19,
To have my world,
Blown to smithereens,
Just before manhood,
In the last year of my teens!
Thinking my life was lost then,
Among other things.
Lost my appetite for alcohol,
Lost my thirst for food, 
But never lost my hunger for life,
These last 19 years,
I’m living proof.
A week of grieving about my lifes potential loss,
A week of depression as my life hit the proverbial rocks.
To then pick myself up and be me again.
No self pity,
Just pure grit,
With mental and physical pain,
I just smile back at the world with each cherished day I gain.
So for me to now be back in that limbo feeling,
I feel that 1st week all over again.
A double edged sword,
As the answers I seek are really in vein.
I don’t know what I want to hear the most?
Whether my long lasting cancer is growing again?
Or whether I’ve a 2nd new type of lung cancer,
Luckily not in my brain...
Which of the lesser evils would you pick if you could choose the answer?
as the thought of it is driving me pure insane!
These are the thoughts that plague my mind,
Whether night or day,
Whether it’s bright outside or cold and dullness we find,
I can’t get rid of the outcomes that my fate will now bind.
No radiation as I’ve had my lifes worth,
Maybe an operation on the horizon,
Or just leaving it till I’m left 6ft down in the earth.
Just so I could see my kids and have no worries of death,
Why can’t we just all be eternally blessed?
Just so we don’t have to go from this world and into the unknown next.
Why so much suffering?
Why such hurt?
Why have these diseases and illnesses taken over our earth?
It’s almost like natures way of culling the human race,
Taking it day by day,
Pace by pace.
Ripping through families all over the place.
I know I’m not well and I know I may die,
But am I not allowed to be smiling and have the chance of being happy,
No matter how long I may have left on this planet,
Living my life.
Just let me smile,
Let me live,
Just let me laugh,
I hate being restricted by my cancer cells bars...
I’ve broken out once so I’ll do it again,
For my kids, 
Family and loved ones,
I’ll go through any pain.
Even if means bringing extra fight to my game.
I’m not giving up,
I’m not giving in.
There’s no way I’ll ever let cancer have it’s way,
Take my life and win.
How can it?
When I’m always smiling
Xxxx