Repeat After Me

   I didn't plan on ruining my brothers birthday dinner by sitting in the car crying because I was incapable of sitting in a chair at our favorite restaurant with circle tables embellished with blue tiles that reminded me of the color of your eyes, It just happened 

   It just happened to be our favorite waitress, the one we requested every time we went out who asked me if I'd be having "our usual"... I told her our usual burned to Hell and that I wouldn't be ordering anything because the thought of us apart made me feel Sick to my stomach

   Sick to my stomach I felt as I ran out of the restaurant wiping my tears with the back of my hand attempting to expunge the pain from my face to hide my weakness from The world 

   The world seemed so dull without you, something I swore I'd never live to know because you held my hands and looked me in the eyes and said "I love you" 

   "I love you" I screamed in the car over and over again hoping that in some universe the car was your mind and all you could hear was me screaming "I love you" repeatedly, forcing you to Come back 

   "Come back" I yelled next, into my hands this time so in that other universe you wouldn't be able to hear it, I didn't want you to see my weakness, I didn't want you to know how desperately I needed you 

   I needed you and I only told you once and it didn't seem to matter to you, I should have known the severity of the situation when I never once heard you say that you needed me or that you couldn't possibly live without me, but I didn't realize until It was too late

   It was too late to walk back into the restaurant because I had already ruined it, but I didn't want to sit in the car anymore so I got out and shut the door behind me and flinched at the sound of the slam because it was all Too familiar 

   Too familiar was the sound of a slamming door, after arguing that was your thing, but you always opened it back up, said sorry and took me into Your arms

   Your arms were a safe place where I went when my house didn't feel like home and in those moments you were home, you were supposed to continue to be Home

   Home is where I wanted to go but instead I took off running, first through the parking lot and then down the concrete roads of the entire plaza running as fast as my legs would allow, trying to run you Out of my mind

   Out of my mind you didn't want to go, haunting my thoughts was a new hobby of yours, I started running faster and faster hoping my mind would finally escape the thought of you and be free, but I was running in circles and Nothing seemed to work

   Nothing seemed to work out for me after I let you slip out of my life, ruining my brothers birthday dinner and many other things after that because I wasn't able to Get you out of my mind

   Get you out of my mind was an alarm I started setting on my phone for 8 am every day, which seemed like a good idea, but I knew that no matter how hard I tried you'd always be on my mind and I would never be able to forget you

   I would never be able to forget you and that might be what hurt the most, I knew you'd never fully escape my mind, and I knew that you'd never think of me the way I thought of you, but one day you'd see me with someone else and ask yourself, "Why did I let go?"

   "Why did I let go?" I asked myself over and over again until the 5 words didn't sound like words anymore, I was afraid that if I gave up you would Come back 

   Come back is something I don't scream anymore

   I don't scream anymore