Repeated Decisions (bedtime story)

I got underneath him, because he promised he loved me, and he wouldn't tell anyone. And all of a sudden, I was nine again. I remembered the times when I would run around on the playground with my short hair, tennishoes, and bangs cut lopsided because I thought I'd look pretty, but I ended up with a spanking instead.

I remember the only time I got on my knees, was because I had fallen and scraped them. I remember the only time I ever felt higher than the sky was when I was on the swings, and I felt like I could jump off and land safely because my sisters where there to catch me, but now when I get as high as I would on the swings I'm alone in my bedroom listening to a song with no words....only acoustics to a beautiful melody.

I remember naively asking my mother how babies where made and now the only question I can ask myself behind my mothers back is how many days it has been since mother nature has paid me a visit.

I remember peeking around my sisters door and seeing her curling her hair, taking off her glasses and adding makeup to her already beautiful eyes to impress the boy next door, with gel in his hair and cologne on his shirt yet he only did it to impress my sisters best friend. I remember looking through her closet, desperately wishing my small, undeveloped breasts and body would some day fit  into the curves and cups of that beautiful dress, and that my feet would be trained by society to wear that pair of heels even though someday I would cry from the blisters that would form around my toes.

I remember watching my sister go from an innocent kid to a heart broken mother and now I feel disgusted and afraid, trying ot push off this stranger that I thought I loved but he pins my weak body down and marks his territory on my neck. I remember my sister taking hours in the bathroom and coming out with a pale face and neck caked in makeup and her hair perfectly situated around her neck, so perfectly that not even my father, who had xray vision, that could see through any lie, could tell. And he called her beautiful, not knowing the shame she felt inside. I remember sharing a room with my sister, and in the bedroom next to us I could hear my other sister crying out of frustration while on the phone with the bastard who made a man's decision to bring a child to the world but acted lik a kid when he left her on her own.

I remember telling my sisters how much I hated hairspray and bobby pins, mascara and jewelry, and now they hide the 9 year old tomboy I'm trying to forget, even though she still lives inside of me.

....He's finally done with me, and drops me off at home, where I curl up with a teddy bear, fluffy pillows, and a warm blanket sure to keep my monsters that haunt me away. And I wonder if that nine year old little me, would be disappointed in what I'd just done in the stained back seat of a car, and came home with a mark on my neck labeling me as his whore, tear stained cheeks, smelling like weed and a heart so broken god himself couldn't even mend. And I wrote a letter to nine year old me, stuck a blade where he left his mark on me and I hoped and I prayed my baby sister wouldn't turn out like me, and I cried and I screamed. And then in the peace and quiet when everything went dark I knew she would forgive me, only after she would make those same mistakes as well.