rose print jeans

i had you before i should have 
let you down with silent screams
couldn’t get my voice out. 
later i was just lost dreams. 

all i had was a photograph
and a blood stain on a pair of jeans,
but those are gone now
because some jackass thought they knew best
deciding what of mine to keep. 

but i remember the roses, stemmed with thorns,
and the red of them almost matching yours,
and when it was over,
i screamed that it hadn’t even begun. 

how could they take my little girls. 

and am i undeserving of this,
i try not to pass judgement but 
i see so many people who definitely shouldn’t have been blessed the way they have
as the children suffer abuse at their hands,

i see people having kids that don’t even want them,
when i so so so want to be a mom,
to have a child to raise up right.
it’s all i want in this life. 
but every time my prayers get answered 
and i think oh my i’m about to be a mother,
something happens and it’s ripped away. 
all my joy is ripped away. 

i am staring at the writing on the walls,
let me go to the other side too young,
because i don’t want to suffer for so long. 
i’m sure i’ve paid my dues for whatever wrong doing i’ve done in a past lifetime. 

it’s hard to see an end besides alone. 
to see anything but alone. 
and i wish i still had them jeans on 
with your blood running down the roses, dripping off the thorns. 

at least then, you were close.