SEE IF YOU CAN FIND ME

I cannot find me sometimes
I look but often not even
An echo I can hear
I feel lost and invisible
In a world that goes swiftly by
As I stand and stare

I don’t think I really know me
Life has had so many guises
That mask the fear and wanting
That I cannot show the real person
That is caged within me

It is overwhelming at times
But onward through life I must go

To get through living
I act mostly within the confines
Of my individuality
I feel insulated from reality
And let situations evolve
In my sometimes over-indulgent head

I have talents that have limited outflow
Frustrating my outward looking inner glow
Resentment often builds
Starving me of motion
That would propel me beyond familiarity
That so hinders the way I grow

I can be cautious and extra slow
Some suggest laziness
But I do not know
Each to his own I say
No rush to reap what I recklessly sow

If I had beliefs and wishes
I would still be wary
I would not act without thinking
For facts make me do as I need to do
It’s the defining bit of me
That always has held true

Erratically I chase dreams
That fizzle out too quickly
Longevity is just not always for me
Temporary insanity often guides me

I try one thing and it may work as expected
I try another then stop mid flow
Who know what direction the fickle wind will blow

Experience is acquired despite my dithering
It is impossible to do nothing
I follow rules I deliberately make unclear
I sometimes just want to
Sit
Look beyond me
And stare

This life is often a rule less test
That mangles hope
Hope that has anxiety embedded in it
Hope that does not always eternally exist
I often feel depressed and I wallow in it

Shadows are what I crave
I hide away in them
I peek out and observe
I monitor all about
I look for paths along which to flee
No one must get too close to me

A cemetery of ideas and dreams
That no one but I will ever know
Cold and lonely
Apart and fearful
These shadows comfort
More than they seem to harm
My selfishness often abhors
Any sort of cuddly fraternity

I can absolves all myself
And let chance secrete things deeply
In these shadows
Anxiety festers in me
Clogging my mind
Letting doubt and inaction typecast me

As a wanderer who knows not
What I wish to be
Or who lets the streams of life flow all around me
I would fight to the death
To deter the certainty that action brings
Doing puts my mind out to fallow
And what then?

The race is often won by the hesitant
Who cautiously step into the darkness
Holding back has often worked quite well
I do have regrets but
On them I only occasionally dwell

I don’t know what
I will be one day
I am just trying to see if
I can get through today
I live and I will one day die
At the end of it all
Let my friends decide
Whether all was a created lie