Self Hatred

You creep
into my dreams
You heckle
me when 
I lay defenseless 
in my bed
the soul's chains
binds me 
to truth
my truth
not the 
the disguise 
that I let 
everyone see
The bare, 
ugly and filthy
reality of me
No hero
No glamour
The confidence
protrude
is surface
created from deceit
Success
comes from cards
that were skillfully
hidden before
the game began
The smoke 
and mirrors
a  façade
an illusion
to who
I really am
Self Hatred
erodes me
Depression
suffocates me
driving me
to a vegetative
state
where caring
does not exist
triumph 
becomes a myth
and 
Kharma becomes a
self appointed demon
lording over this
self destructive cage
Yearning for a  mulligan
thirsting for grace
Whispers of a Maker's
Forgiveness
stirs a drop of 
hope
for me to
lick upon