SOS I need help.

I am 38 years old. 
I am in the grip of a powerful, soul destroying and unrelenting disease that makes an F5 tornado look like a gentle 5knot ocean breeze, with ease.
And I don’t like it.
Not only does ‘IT’ takes people’s lives but this ‘thing’  feeds off it. Sometimes it feels that for almost every day of my entire life since birth lurking at the back of my mind ever present this undefinable, almost  psychic presence that unfortunately for whatever reason hates me and has attempted (unsuccessfully) to destroy me and somehow assume my identity. I don’t like to be aggressive but if I could say or send a message to this elusive creature or whatever it is (I wish you’d just f*ck off and leave me and everyone else alone you evil little f’ing prick) Without fully realizing it until now I think what I’m describing is a parasite as well. Meaning it has attached itself to a part of me and having been identified must now be removed thoroughly and with as much care as possible even though I can almost guarantee that the same courtesy wouldn’t be offered to me as the ‘host’ if it was the other way around.
Metaphorically I have been wearing the ‘dunces’ hat from day one on the top of my head without realizing it every single God damn step of the way. Does anyone out there understand on some level what I’m trying to describe?
I am up against an invisible enemy that by nature wants me dead. 
What was once unimaginable is now becoming my reality.
And I don’t like it. At all.
Can anyone relate to or at least understand on some level what I may or may not be dealing with? Is what I am describing too dark or heavy? Am I or is it possible to still yet discover that I can; along with many others experience true joy and relief by finally earning a well deserved breakthrough and are now free to choose a new path. One in which fear and misery are replaced with hope and inspiration. Do I dare to believe that now I can do it and that now is the time to change and make better and less reckless and harmful decisions & choices?
I am not ready to die, 
Right now as it stands ,
I am still alive~