Poem -
your memories will never fade away from my soul.
When your away I lay here awake wishing that you didn't go away from my life when you were in my life you made me smile and sometimes you made me cry when you went away but now you are here to stay in you asked me to be your wife in your life,just when you are away i will never fear because i know you are near and dear to my heart knowing that I'll always be in your heart to stay when i go to sleep i always ask god will always bring you back to that special place in my heart had many joys and fears our years as memories of you are not here tears of pain are in my heart your wonderful memories will be here to stay for ever.
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Comments
This write needs some rewording. I think the feelings are so strong for the author that they weren't able to have clear thought when writing this. A lot of it is a run on sentence. In my life and in your life is used to many times and the repetition takes away from the write. To show what I mean, this is a better way to start this write (in my opinion).
This start flows much better and the meaning is the same. The writers subject and thoughts are strong. The poem has a good story to tell. Overall this poem has a good premise. The writer just needs to read it out loud and reword a few things so that the write flows for the reader. I am not saying this because I'm better, just that my head is clear of the pain of it and I have the gift of being on the outside looking in! Don't stop writing! It looks as if you have good things to say and others will be interested in the knowledge you have to share! Anthony
Thank you I have a problem with grammar with like run ons such as you were explaining to me. I believe im good a writing just need some direction and guidance along the way.
Well conveyed Anthony, I am in total agreement. Sometimes I read some poems and think they are really good but what a shame that the structure or punctuation hadn't been a little tighter or different because for me it's the difference between good and really good!!! Heidi, I think Anthony had it there where he said that you were writing about something that was obviously close and passionate to you. However, what I would suggest if I could for the future is write from the heart, then when it is complete and you have got your emotion down, then reread and reread, and edit as you go along that way you can get all your thoughts and feelings down quickly to be worked on after.
I hope you don't mind suggestions Heidi, and it most definitely is meant as a criticism! I think your content is great, but when you write heartfelt things you sometimes have to take a step back. Rereading your stuff is good because you then see more clearly where your errors are, I do it all the time lol!!!! Look forward to reading more of your work Heidi and congratulations on your nomination :)