Suicidal Purgatory

I fear that I've over stayed my welcome in this world

Desparate for connection and fear of rejection have caused me to do horrible things. Hurt good people for no good reason at all. I was convinced the world was against me. Convinced that everyone around me was evil. But on this day I looked in the mirror and saw the only evil was me. All the pain that I felt because of the lack of connection was my fault. Now the voices in by head beg and plead for me to end it all.  End all the pain, loneliness. End the pharmaceutically induced state of "sobriety" I've created. Trust me i've tried. However the end of the blade, distance of the fall ,the shaking of the pill bottle all send a flood of tears to my eyes. I know this world is hopeless but i can not completely give up hope.