Suicide

I remember the days of suicide,
Feeling like I was never alive.
All those times I tried to kill myself,
Without a thought for no one else.
Waking up everyday feeling worthless with nothing to live for,
with that voice screaming what are you even here for.
Always imagining my own funeral,
hoping some day I could break free from it all.
Wishing everyday that I could be dead,
 then I could switch that voice off within my head.
Just another trip down a&e,
that wasn't the place I wanted to be.
 I wanted to be gone and never wake up,
not patched up and sent back off.
What a stupid cunt I always felt,
no matter how hard I try I can't kill myself.
If only I knew then what I knew now,
I would still be trying to kill myself.
But not the one that lies in the physical,
that seems irrelevant now now I'm aware of the spiritual.
 Now I know that when the self dies,  that is the thing that makes you  truly alive.
I wake up everyday counting my blessings,
 and look forward to my psychedelic sessions.
You know those things that are illegal,
and show us deep inside that we are good people.
That voice that I hated inside of my head, you know the one that wished me dead, he's had a total change of heart,
 and all he says now is its just the start.
 A chance to channel all my healing,
and let everyone else know how I was feeling.
 A chance to clear away all my lies,
and sit back patiently and wait for the big surprise.
The surprise is coming and always has been it just needed the physical to be thoroughly lived in.